The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of DOOM!
by Maverick 1812
Summary: This fic has been rated PG-13 for my filthy, filthy mouth. This is a WWOoT crossover of DOOM! 6th chapter up! I think the titles pretty self explanatory, and if it's not, Screw You!
1. Ocarina plus Rat equals DOOM!

Ello. I am Maverick 1812, cruddy fanfic writer extrodinair! Okay, just before we start, I must reinterate that this is a COMEDY fic. No romance, no action, just slap stick and plot points. So whoever's here for comedy, stay. Everybody else go home. (Everyone leaves) Oh Shiza. Well, that's a bit of a downer. Enjoy!  
  
Disclaimer: Oh Din! I hate these things. Do I have to? Oh no! Why does it hurt? (Comes back beaten badely) I'll be good. I do not own any of the Legend of Zelda, Ocarina of Time and/or Wind Waker. I also don't own anything else in this fic. I do however own this atom bomb!!!! You twenty- five hours to deliver the gold, and to show you I'm not bluffing. (Blows up Ganon's Tower!) HAHAHA!!!  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Spoiler Warning~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ This fic starts at the very end of Wind Waker, which is an awesome game! It is at my suggestion you finish Wind Waker before reading. But no one ever listens to me, so do whatever the heck you feel like. Peace out mon.  
  
-Ganon's Tower, Hyrule  
  
(The final battle of good and evil is under way, as Link and Zelda fight the evil, pig like... Hey Gannon! Why aren't you a pig? BE A PIG!!!)  
  
Gannon: I can't. I lost the triforce of power, thank you very much King of Dead Lions!  
  
King: Hey, this is between you guys now! I'm going to accapoco. (Dissapears forever)  
  
All: O.O  
  
Gannon: Well that was wierd. (Gets hit in the head by Link) Hey! I was in time out!  
  
Link: It's a battle to the death. There are no time outs.  
  
Gannon: Those rules suck!  
  
Link: They're your rules! Oh, I am so going to enjoy stabbing this down your throat!  
  
Gannon: Just try it! (Is hit by a light arrow) Z-z-z-z-z-z-z-. Ouch! The pain! The indiscribable pain!  
  
Link: Oh, relax you big baby. (Is also hit by a light arrow) Z-z-z-z-z-z-z- z-z. Tetra! Watch where your aiming!  
  
Tetra: I'm tryin'! Oh, why did it have to be the liight arrows? Why couldn't it have been the light bombs? Or the light magnum? Now there's a killing machine!  
  
Link: (Is about to be pushed over the side) Uh Tetra?  
  
Tetra: Yeah what?  
  
Link: Little help?  
  
Tetra: Oh! Sorry. (Fires a light arrow at Gannondorf who jumps in the air and dodges it)  
  
Link & Tetra: O.o  
  
Link: Wow, he's pretty nimble for a fat guy!  
  
Gannon: (Super angry) I told you! It's a glangiler problem! (Rushes at Link, who sidesteps, causing him to fall off the tower) Damn it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Link: Wow.  
  
Tetra: He fell pretty far.  
  
Link: Yeah. Think he'll be back up?  
  
Tetra: Most likely.  
  
Link: = Bring it on.  
  
Tetra: O.o Do you, do you always have to do that?  
  
Link: (Meekly) No.  
  
(While they wait for Pig Boy to climb up, in the shadows, a dark figure lurk)  
  
Dark Figure: Lurk. Lurk. Lurk.  
  
(Not what I meant)  
  
Dark Figure: Lurk. Lu... Oh hello! I think this battle is going a little too smoothly! SO I'm going to mess it up! And all it will take is a mouse and an ocarina! (Holds up said rodent and ocarina, and place them inside the tower) Well, I have to go star in a HoHo's commercial! Farewell! (Dissapears forever)  
  
Gannon: I'm... Gonna... Kick.. Your...  
  
Link: Man! He never gives up!  
  
Tetra: Yeah. This battle is getting boring. Wanna set him on fire?  
  
Link: (Takes out a bunch of flaming boko sticks) I was waiting for one of us to say that!  
  
(Inside the tower, the mouse finds it's way to the ocarina and begins playing it. (???) I don't know. You figure out how a mouse can play an ocarina!)  
  
Link & Tetra: Three, Two, One! Gannon's head blows up! (The two throw and/or shoot firey object at Gannon's head)  
  
Gannon: AHHH! My face! My beautiful face! (The fire somehow causes him to jump twenty five feet in the air and up to the top of the tower)  
  
Tetra: Wow, white men can jump.  
  
Link: Actually he's more of a gray.  
  
Tetra: Eh, it's close enough.  
  
Gannon: Oh, it was bad enough getting beaten by the Hero of Time, now I'm getting my ass handed to me by mini Hero of Time! Oh, but I will have my day, someday Batman!  
  
(For no apparent reason we're going to see how Makar is doing. Why? Because hekicks ass!)  
  
-Wind Temple  
  
(In the depths of the wind temple, the wise sage Makar prays for the victory of the Hero of Winds Link)  
  
Makar: (Meditating) This is boring. Time for another Sexy Party! (Presses a hidden button which causes a bunch of people to come out of hiding and start dancing. It's good to be the wind sage) Alright! Now we're partying! (Goes over to phone (???)) Hey get that pony out of here. (Dials number)  
  
-Earth Temple  
  
(At the moment, Medli is watching the entire Star War trillogy and eating ice cream)  
  
Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father!  
  
Luke: NOOOOOOOOO!  
  
Medli: Oh, you humans and your "feelings". Hahaha. (Phone rings) Yo, this is Medli!  
  
Makar: (On other end) Yo M! I'm holding another Sexy Party! Wanna come?  
  
Medli: I don't know. I have a busy schedule! (Schedule is blank) Yeah, really busy!  
  
Makar: Oh, come on! You can pop in and get back! I found Fado's secret wine stash!  
  
Medli: Well, okay! I found Laruto's secret ice cream stash! I'll bring it over!  
  
Makar: Killer! See you M! (Hangs up) Woo! I love being a sage! Hey! Get that pony off your head!  
  
-Ganon's Tower  
  
(Inside the tower the Mouse has become quite good at the ocarina, and has managed to play a song)  
  
Mouse: (Playing Ocarina) A v A v. (As the mouse finishes his song, a ray of white light shoots to the top of the tower and hits Link, Tetra, and Gannon)  
  
Link: Eh?  
  
Gannon: TF?  
  
Tetra: Yeah, I'm gonna have to agree with that.  
  
(As the light shines, it shines upon the Bastard Sword, Er a Master Sword! Who's messing up my que cards?)  
  
Uriko: Ahahaha!  
  
(Uriko!! I should have known it was you!)  
  
Uriko: Suck it 1812! Suck it long, and suck it hard!  
  
(Will you just let me finish the chapter?)  
  
Uriko: Okay.  
  
(Thank you. Anyway, as the light hits the Master Sword it sends a bright light through the ocean to the two sages who's powers are bound to the Master Sword)  
  
Makar: Alright! Party Time! (Is surrounded by light) Uh oh!  
  
Medli: (Carrying large bucket of ice cream and is covered by light) Oh no! It's Laruto back for revenge!  
  
(As the light shines on the five people disappear from that place)  
  
Gannon: CRRRRAAAPPPP!!!!!  
  
Link: IIEIEIIEIEI!  
  
Makar: Party?  
  
What has happened to the Zelda Crew? Where have they gone? Why does Makar like to party so much? And why is the Bastard Sword a.... Hey! URIKO!!!  
  
Uriko: HAHAHAHA!  
  
And will I ever get rid of Uriko. Keep reading to find out. Or you could be a jerk and leave, it's really up to you. 


	2. Ganon is the fatest beeping piece of bee...

Oh, hello! You've come back! Meaning I ain't not no crack pot! Ha! Now today I'm going to FREE THE BALLOON PEOPLE and... HEY! These aren't my que cards! Uriko!!  
  
Uriko: AHAHAHAHA! You suck Maverick!  
  
As you can see Uriko has been messing with my que cards, so I'm just going to get right into the fic, before I go insane. Enjoy!  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters in this fic especially not Uriko who is still messing with my que cards!!!!!!  
  
Uriko: HAHAHA!  
  
THAT'S IT!!!! (Takes out mallet and chases after Uriko while British Comedy music plays)  
  
Disclaimer: No own. No sue. No problem.  
  
-In an oddly familiar looking forest  
  
(Link, The Hero of Winds, after going through some sort of crrrazy portal, is now stoned and passed out in a forest. All of a sudden a horse rides up and begins to lick Link's face)  
  
Link: Uhhhh. (Getting up)   
  
Horse Rider: What is it, girl? Is it a squirrel? That raccoon didn't really do the trick.  
  
Fairy: (Hovering around the Horse Rider's head) Oh, is that the only thing you think about?  
  
Horse Rider: NO! I also think about getting high. Hey wait it's a dude! (Goes down to look at Link) WOW! THIS MIRROR DOES THE BEST ME!  
  
Link: That's just what I was thinking!  
  
Both: He's got the hat! And the tunic! And the Sword! Okay! Do Gannon!  
  
Fairy: Uh, Link, that's not...  
  
Link (Previously Horse Rider): Not now Navi!  
  
Link (HoW): Wow! This mirror talks!  
  
Link (Unless you didn't already know (You need this brain transfusion) it's the Hero of Time, Adult Version to be exact): Neat!  
  
(Pause...)  
  
Links: AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! (Faint)  
  
Navi: Oh, boy Epona, we are so f**ked aren't we?  
  
Epona: (Nieghs affirmativly)  
  
(Meanwhile, the dark lord Gannondork, er a dorf was experiencing a similar situation, but with Cuccus!)  
  
-A few Hundred miles outside the kingdom of Hirule (Did I just spell Hyrule with an i. Oh I was just so entertained by my submarien!)  
  
(At the moment Gannon is sitting in a Cuccu pen, being pecked at by rabid Cuccu)  
  
Gannon: Oh. My head. Did I already get locked in the sacred realm? (Sees Cuccus) Oh. trying to torture me with Cuccus to see if I'll talk, eh Link? Well It's not gonna work! FEEL THY KNOWN WRATH FOUL!!!! (Shocks the Cuccus with evil black lighting) Hahaha! (After a hearty fried chicken lunch, Gannondorf began to seek signs of life and/or death. Death was also good) Ah, there's someone! Old woman!  
  
Peasant#3: Man!  
  
Gannon: What?  
  
Peasant#3: I'm a man!  
  
Gannon: You'll be a bird if you don't shut up and tell me where I can find the nearest evil hangout!  
  
Peasant#3: Well son, if you want the abandoned Tower of the evil Gannondorf Dragmire is about twelve miles down the road. But you have to realize that evil isn't the way. Evil only leads to more evil! And that evil only leads to pudding! You gotta stop your evil ways! You gotta reach down in your pants and find the good in you that has always been there. Bring it out!  
  
Gannon: Hmmm.   
  
-And it's said, that in Hyrule that day, that Gannondorf's small heart...  
  
Gannon: Perhaps you are right old crone. I only hope your sage words will warm you while you are FROZEN IN CARBONITE!! (Gannondorf takes out a freeze gun and freezes the old crone)  
  
-Shrunk twelve sizes   
  
Gannon: Do do do do do!  
  
-Outside Gannon's Tower  
  
Gannon: Huzzah! My Temple! Funny, I remember more guards! And I don't remember any "Living People" near my temple. Maybe I was asleep longer than I thought. (As he walks in, the many people look at him strangely as they walk by)   
  
(Okay, let's go see what up with Link)  
  
-Lost Woods  
  
(At the moment the two Links are passed out, and most likely stoned, while Navi has a oanic attack)   
  
Navi: Oh Din, Oh Din, Oh Din, Oh Din, Oh Din, Oh Din! (I'm Catholic! So sue me) What do I do? What do I do?   
  
Voice in Navi's Head: Kill tham.  
  
Navi: I meant what NOT HOMOCIDAL thing do I do?  
  
Voice: Sorry.  
  
Navi: Wait I know! (Goes into Link's pack on Epona and takes out a bottle) Lon-Lon Milk! Don't leave the dimension without it! (Opens the bottle and splashes it on Link)  
  
Link (T): AHHHH! I'm up! I'll kill Gannondorf!  
  
Navi: No, relax Link.  
  
Link: (T): Why am I all wet and sticky?   
  
Navi: Well, you fainted so I threw milk on you to wake you up.  
  
Link (T): Was that really nessicary?  
  
Navi: Yes. :)  
  
Link (T): I hate you. Anyway, why did I faint again?  
  
Navi: You saw that creepy kid with the huge bug like eyes.  
  
Link (T): Oh, yeah. (Looks at Link (W)) He does look a little like me.  
  
Navi: Yeah. The pants are a dead give away. Maybe he's just a Korkiri who wandered away from the Great Deku Tree.  
  
Link (T): No way! That place was great! Free food, eternal youth, trees made of candy! Hell if that bitch Mido hadn't pissed me off so much, I would have never left!  
  
Navi: Even though the Great Deku Tree and me told you to?  
  
Link (T): Hell no!  
  
Navi: Well that's inspiring.  
  
Link (T): Eh, the kid's probably just a fan. I mean, look, he's wearing my tunic, he has my hat, he's even got a mini Master Sword and... (As he gets closer his magic Triforce crest begins to glow, as does Link (W)) Oh dip!  
  
Navi: Dip indeed! Link, he's got your magic Triforce of Courage crest!  
  
Link (T): Yeah.  
  
Navi: Do you know what this means?  
  
Link (T): Yes. I am so wasted! I need more pot! (Takes out Ocarina and calls Kaepora Gaebora)  
  
Kaepora Gaebora: (SInging the Tingle song to the Oompaa Lompaa theme) Tingle, tingle, Lim...  
  
Link (T): Cut the crud Owl Boy! Gimme the weed.  
  
Kaepora Gaeboa: Fifteen rupees little man, put that sh*t in my hand!  
  
Link: Oh, crud I'm out of money.  
  
Kaepora Gaebora: Well, your Oompah Lompah Dompitty Screwed. (Flies away) (Stolen joke from Ultrafan, who was paid for it)  
  
Navi: You spent all our money on drugs?  
  
Link (T): I'll find more in a bush somewhere.  
  
Link (W): Oh my head!  
  
Link (T): Hey the kid's up! (Goes over to Link) Yo kid. I got three questions for you, Who are you? Why do you have a Triforce Crest? And do you have any money?  
  
Link (W): Uh, no, Link, and it's myne. Not exactly in that order but you get the picture. Okay, where's my ship?  
  
Link (T): Ship?  
  
Link (W): Oh, never mind, just point me toward the sea. I need to get back to the fight with Gannon!   
  
Link (T): ??? Dude, Gannon's been sealed and there is no "sea".  
  
Link (W): Oh no! Oh Farore no! It's worse than I thought! We're shipwrecked!!!!!!!!!!! We'll have to live on this island forever! We'll have to make coconut houses and live off palm trees! (Goes into a fetal position) WE ARE SCREWED!!!  
  
Link (T): Oh, by the way, my name's Link!  
  
Looks like them Link boys are in a whole mess of Deku Leaves. (Wow that was incredibly stupid. Who writes this stuff)  
  
Uriko: Do you even have to ask any more?  
  
(Yes because otherwise people will kill me)  
  
-Inside Gannon's Tower  
  
Gannon: Funny, I don't remember my tower being so rustic. I thought it had more of a 'Cheers' atmosphere. (Starts singing the Cheers song)  
  
(We are sorry. Due Maverick not knowing the Cheers theme music, Gannondorf Dragmire will now sing, the Dragonball Z theme)  
  
Gannon: Dragon, dragon, rock the dragon...  
  
-Top of the Tower  
  
Gannon: (Sees the rustic tower) It's obvious what's happened here. I must have traveled through time... (Catches on faster than the rest of um eh?) I'm in the year 3000! I gotta warn everybody about Y3K!  
  
Gannon's Mind: No you fool! It can be our implement of destruction!  
  
Gannon: Oh right! Hmm, if I was sealed in the sacred realm for (Calculating) A bajillion years, then the Triforce must still be lost in the sacred realm! Gannon the Cannon away! (Presses a button which opens a set of poles) Thank Satan I had a magic pole installed in this place before Hero of Pansy's sealed me away! (Goes down the poles to a metal room with a bookcase. Pulls a book to cause the bookcase to slide away. He then walks through a collection of metal doors to go to a phone booth. He walks into the booth, dials a number, and is sucked up by a vacuum on top of the phone booth. He lands in front of a magic blue portal... exactly five feet away from the poles) I don't know why I installed those polls. Anyway, BEHOLD! THE GATE TO THE SACRED REALM!  
  
Gannon's Mind: WHO AM I TALKING TO? AND WHY ARE MY WORDS ALL BIG?!  
  
Gannon: Now, it's physically impossible, but by my prediction, the years I was conked out must have weakened the portal's power! One good hard punch should cave it in! (Smart isn't he? That is called Sarcasm!)  
  
-Sacred Realm (AKA Dark Realm)  
  
Gannon (T): (Has a beard and his evil, royal gowns are all tattered) Oh man! I can't believe I was sealed away by that little imp! If I ever see him again, I'm gonna crush him like this pellet! (Crushes pellet but is shocked) Ow! I've tried breaking this stupid wall a million times!  
  
Helmaroc King: (Was first minion Ganon Created in the dark realm. He also has a beard) BWWAAAKK!!  
  
Gannon (T): Yeah, you're right. Once more couldn't hurt. So what's for dinner tonight, Chile?  
  
Helmaroc King: BWAAAAKKK!!!  
  
Gannon (T): Okay, okay! We'll get Chinese! WARLOCK...  
  
-Other side  
  
Gannon (W): WARLOCK...  
  
Both: PUNCH! (And by the purist coincidence, the whole timey, space continuey, taffy the power of the two Gannon's attack, and the fact that they are both the same person, breaks the door and blasts Gannon (T) and the Helmaroc King out of the Dark Realm)  
  
Gannon (T): Huh? What the? King! We're free! WE'RE! FREE!!!!  
  
Helmaroc King: BWAAAKKK!  
  
Gannon (T): Yes, I suppose we can take off our fake beards now! (Both take off beards) Now that we're free, nothing can stop us! (Runs into Gannon (W)) O.O Who the devil are you?  
  
Gannon (W): FOOL! I GANNONDORF DRAGMIRE!!!!!  
  
Gannon (T): That's funny, cause last time I checked, I WAS GANNONDORF DRAGMIRE!!!!!  
  
Gannon (W): But, if you're Gannondorf...  
  
Gannon (T): And you're Gannondorf, then... O.O  
  
Gannon (W): O.O  
  
Ganon (T): O.O Oh man, do I really get that fat?  
  
We're gonna leave off on that note! HAHAHA!I would continue, but I'm coming down with a case of writer's block. (A giant cinder block falls on Maverick) Ow. URIKO!!!  
  
Uriko: O.o Uh, my bad. I'll just finish. Will Link discover what's going on? Will the other Link go crazy from island madness? What will become of the Gannon's? Why is the Helmaroc King there? Are they... you know, queer? And what of the other three? What will become of them? Will Maverick be sued by Ultrafan or regain consciousness? Why am I here? Will China be destroyed? Will Colin ever recover from his coma? And what will become of Doughnuts? WHAT???  
  
Janitor: Uh, Miss Proffessor Chaos 13? You've been asking questions for two hours. Are you quite done? I have to sweep up.  
  
To Be Continued  
  
Urko: Or is it? 


	3. Ze Grande Toothpick, and what the hell i...

And now we bring you, Shippo.  
  
Shippo: (Is sitting in a big comfy chair in front of a roaring fire reading a comic book) Oh hello! I didn't see you come in! No seriously get off my property! FOX FIRE! (Shoots fire from hands) Anyway your probably asking yourself, who the f*ck is this little fox boy preaching to me? Well, last chapter, Maverick was crushed by a cinder block wielded by Shippo's good, good friend Uriko and is now in critical condition! Isn't that something? Anyway, she would be here, trying to usurp Maverick's thorn, but unfortunately her power was cut short and forgot to breath during an extended conclusion thingy! Spookey Noochies eh? She's fine, sad for some of you, but she lost her voice so I'm the only one capable of doing the opener, and no one can stop miyah!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Inuyasha: SHIPPO!!! Are you doing another cameo for that author?  
  
Shippo: Oh sh*t! Gotta go! (Runs like a deer)  
  
?????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????  
  
Disclaimer:.............................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................  
  
Audiance Guy: He's not ere you bastard!!! Get on with it!  
  
(Let's check what's going on with Link)  
  
-Lost Woods  
  
Link (W): Oh man! It's hopeless! We're doomed to the rest of our days on this vast, high populated, and food/rupee/drug filled island!  
  
Link (T): (To Navi) You know what, I'm starting to think this little kid ain't right in the noggin.  
  
Navi: What was you first guess?  
  
(No that's no good! Let's see Gannondorf)  
  
-Ganon's Abandoned Tower  
  
Gannon (T): Damn! Do I really get that fat?  
  
Gannon (W): HEY! It is a glandular problem! (Turns into a giant pig, which makes no bloody sense, but oh well) Maybe this will teach you to listen to authoritah!!!!  
  
Gannon (T): Bring it on old man! Bring it on! (Also turns into a giant pig and starts grappling with the other giant pig)  
  
(Oooooookay. Let's try Zelda. PLEASE! FOR THE LOVE OF GAWD, DON'T BE GOING CRAZY OR FIGHTING!!!!!)  
  
-Hyrule Castle  
  
Behold the symbol of all Hylian ingenuity! The... (Shows a straw hut) Uh, over there! (Pans over to Hyrule Castle) Better  
  
Zelda: (Is entering from the front gate with Impa) Wow, I can't believe I got two-million rupees at the store for selling one of Link's old tunics!  
  
Impa: And I scored another couple hundred rupees for one of his old hats and his slingshot! You think he'll mind?  
  
Zelda: Not as long as we don't tell him it was to a witch doctor. I hope he doesn't have to go underwater any time soon. (Suddenly, there is a magical electric storm, localized entirely in the castle courtyard) What the heck was that? (The two look over the courtyard to see Tetra on the ground)  
  
Tetra: (Rubbing her head) Ow! Darn magic light. (Yelling out loud) And also it hurt my feelings! (Sees Zelda and Impa. The three stare at each other. After a few seconds, Tetra grows bored and decides to make the first move) Hi-ya!! (Goes into karate stance)  
  
(So much for hoping)  
  
Zelda & Impa: (Do the same)  
  
(As the three women prepare for the inevitable cat-fight, from afar a certain Deku watches)  
  
-Saria's House, Kokiri Forest  
  
Deku-Link: Oh dear! I really should do something. After they fight! =)  
  
Saria: Deku! Are you using the telescope to spy on swells?!  
  
Deku-Link: No! =)  
  
-Hyrule Again  
  
(The three are still standing in fighting stances)  
  
Tetra: Is... is anyone gonna, you know, attack?  
  
Zelda: We thought you were gonna?  
  
Tetra: Hmmm.  
  
Zelda: It seems there is only one answer. (Goes into a trance like state)  
  
Impa: Oh no. The phycic mind meld.  
  
Tetra: Oh yeah! I'll beat ya to it! (Also goes into trance)  
  
Impa: Hmmm. The princess and her double are both in a catatonic state. Finally! I can usurp the throne!  
  
Zelda: No you can't.  
  
Impa: Damn it!  
  
Zelda: Cheer up Impa there's always next year!  
  
Tetra: (Regains consciousness) Damn, you finished first?  
  
Zelda: Ha, I told ya!  
  
Impa: Did you guys even do anything important?  
  
Tetra: Yes. I learned see has mind reading powers!  
  
Zelda: Well I learned that she's a crazy pirate captain from the year 2801, sent back to our time by a crazy white light, generated by the unreleased energy of the Ocarina of Time while in a super battle to the death with...(Zelda keeps rambling)  
  
Impa & Tetra: O.O  
  
Zelda: And thusly revealing to all to behold that the only true path to enlightenment is... synergy and pizza!  
  
Impa & Tetra: O.O  
  
Tetra: Is she always this crazy?  
  
Impa: Try living with her.  
  
Tetra: Hey, wait! If you knew all that, then you must be that "Princess Zelda" the red guy is constantly referring to!  
  
Zelda: The red guy?  
  
Tetra: Oh, he's just the crazy spirit of this old king who keeps rambling about stuff. Oh there he is! (Points to the king (Alive) in the courtyard)  
  
Zelda: Hey dad!  
  
Tetra: What up big red?  
  
King: O.o Impa schedule my next trip to Acapulco. I am out of here. (Leaves forever, again)  
  
Impa: Well that was weird.  
  
Tetra: So, can I see the castle? I mean I saw it before but that was when it was dank and underwater.  
  
Zelda: Wha?  
  
Tetra: Yeah, gods flooded Hyrule. All water, far as the eye can see.  
  
Impa: But, we sealed Gannondorf!  
  
Tetra: Yeah, he breaks out, twice! It's a bitch ain't it.  
  
Zelda & Impa: X.X  
  
Tetra: Uh guys? Guys? Hello?  
  
(Well, they is screwed)  
  
-Inside Castle  
  
Zelda: Okay, I think I've gotten over the whole seal-gate down, but I think Impa is another story.  
  
Impa: X.X  
  
Tetra: Man, this place is swanky! I kinda miss the dank though!  
  
Zelda: Well we were thinking about redecorating to give it a Cheers feel! (Begins singing the Cheers theme)  
  
Shippo: Uh, we are sorry, though Maverick has finally learned the Cheers song, I have not. Therefore Zelda shall now sing the Spiderman Theme.  
  
Zelda: Spiderman. Spiderman. Radioactive Spiderman...   
  
Tetra: Well, if I've been thrown back in time, first things first! I'll need a new pirate crew! (Turns to Zelda and Impa) You two! How would you like to be my new minions!  
  
Zelda: I don't know. What's it pay?  
  
Tetra: All the loot in the world! This place could use some bling-bling!  
  
Zelda: Bling-bling you say? Okay, what do I need to do?  
  
Tetra: First, how much you got?  
  
Zelda: On me, about two million rupees.  
  
Tetra: I'll need all of that! (Takes money) Woah! Good-bye student-loan payments! Now, you see that guy carrying a sack of gold coins? (Shoots a light arrow, causing him to drop the load and run off) Now it's loot! See that guy with the cart of rubies? (Fights the guy kung-fu style and knocks him out) Now it's loot! See this huge gold nugget Lucy Liu left on your lawn? Pure loot!  
  
Zelda: This "loot" intrigues me. Teach me to steal it!  
  
Tetra: Okay! Let's go make some mischief!! (The two run off to go rob the land of Hyrule)  
  
Impa: X.X (Goes out of trance) Hubba wha? Where's they go? This does not bode well.  
  
Well now we know where the royal jewels came from.  
  
-Kokiri Forest  
  
Deku-Link: Well, so much for my cat fight. (Sighs) Oh well. Hey Saria, you got any money?  
  
Saria: Deku, it's time we had a talk!  
  
Deku-Link: Does it involve me getting money?  
  
Saria: No! Deku, ever since you moved in five years ago, you've been nothing but a nuisance for this whole forest!  
  
Deku-Link: Hey that's... wait, no that was Link. What do you know? I have been a nuisance!  
  
Saria: You've spent all of the Kokiri's money on Deku-Nuts, Weed from that giant owl, and your own sick little pleasure that go on down near that Deku Tree. Don't think we don't see it!  
  
Deku-Link: Hey! In Termina, all Link, Darmani, Mikuo, and I did was get high every night! Sometimes twice a night!  
  
Saria: You guys were only together for four days.   
  
Deku-Link: That's long enough!  
  
Saria: Look, I'd love to get high whenever I wanted, but sages can't smoke. I'll kill Rauru for that one day. I've got the murder all set up. I can make it look like suicide. Back to the point, you used the sacred Kokiri Sword as a tooth-pick...  
  
Deku-Link: (Cleaning "teeth" with Kokiri Sword and then puts it on a pedestal that says "Le Grande Tooth-Pick")  
  
Saria: And that doesn't even make sense. And no one has seen Mido since he pissed you off by calling you Deku Squirt.  
  
-Great Deku Tree  
  
(Mido's head is sticking out of the trunk of the Great Deku Tree)  
  
Mido: Uh, help.  
  
Kokiri#1: (Walks by with other Kokiri) Hey look! The Great Deku Tree got a Mido head wall hanging!  
  
Kokiri#2: Just like the deer at Chile's!  
  
Kokiri#1: Keep up the good work big D!  
  
Great Deku Tree: Okay!  
  
-Saria's House  
  
Saria: Man, sometimes I regret letting you out!  
  
-Six Years Ago  
  
Saria: (Sitting around) Man life sure is boring.  
  
Link: (Walks in) Uh Saria, could I talk to you for a minute?  
  
Saria: Oh, hey Link! I thought you went off to fight evil, and then find your fairy, and then complain to the frogurt store?  
  
Link: Still working on those last two. Anyway, I need you to keep this mask! (Takes out the Deku Mask)  
  
Saria: Oh, how sweet. (Suspiciously) What's wrong with it?  
  
Link: Nothing, it's just, well. I was just saving an alternate world from a falling moon and a phycopathic skull child and I was sort of turned into a... well long story short I collected a bunch of masks which I delivered to this crazy mask guy, but I didn't want to part with two of them. One because it might come in hand and the other, well it's pure evil! (Lightning crashes) I need you to guard it.  
  
Saria: Guard, a mask?  
  
Link: Please! Just take it! It stole my money, it ate one of my hats! Just shove it in a drawer some where! For the love of Gawd!  
  
-Five and a Half Years Ago  
  
Saria: Hmm, Link told me never to look at that mask, but I'm sure doing just the opposite couldn't hurt. (Opens drawer, causing mask to fly out and zoom away) That can't be good.  
  
(As the mask flies out it latches onto a near-by Deku Scrub and causes it to be enveloped in a dust tornado. When the dust clears it turns into... Deku-Link)  
  
Deku-Link: (Crazily) SMOKIN'!!!  
  
-Six Minutes from Now  
  
Deku-Link: I'll do what I want...  
  
-Six-Hundred Years from Now  
  
Makar: (Meditating) This is boring. Time for another Sexy Party!  
  
(OKAY! Enough with the time skipping!  
  
Shippo: I can't hold her captain! She's wastin' energy fast! (Sets it on fire causing it to stop) There we go!)  
  
-Now  
  
Deku-Link: Can't disagree with the results.  
  
Saria: Yes I can. Now Deku, you better get your act together or hit the non-installed highway!  
  
Deku-Link: Hmmm. Uh-huh. Let me respond to that in the following way. (Goes crazy) You can't control me bitch! I'm too real!!! I'll do what I want, when I want, who I want, why I want, and when I want Chile!!! (Zappy sounds and lighting is seen outside) What the hell was that!  
  
Saria: Probably just a cat.  
  
Deku-Link: There are no cats in the forest.  
  
Saria: Cucco?  
  
Deku-Link: Link took care of all the Cuccos in a blind rage after they tried pecking him to death.  
  
Saria: We got some dogs in the forest.  
  
Deku-Link: (Chuckles) I took care of those dogs years ago. They piss me off!  
  
Kokiri#2: Hey Saria! I think some of your sage friends are here!  
  
Saria: Oh! It must be Ruto and Rauru! I invited them over for poker!  
  
Deku-Link: (Eyes perk up) Hello?  
  
(The two go down to see a smoking crater with a tiny masked creature and a bird/woman hybrid in it)  
  
Saria: What the...?  
  
Medli: Oh, my head.  
  
Makar: Man, that was one hell of a kegger, eh Medli? I don't remember anything!   
  
Medli: Yeah, but where the heck are we?  
  
Makar: (Looks around) Looks like the Forest Haven. Maybe we got on a boat to Acapulco and got kicked out by the red guy.   
  
Saria: Uh, hello?  
  
Makar & Medli: (Look up to see Saria and Deku-Link)  
  
Makar: Oh your Gods! It's a Kokiri and a Deku!!!! (Goes up to examine them) Look! This one has green hair, and this ones made of wood! (Knocks on Deku-Link) Medli! These species have been extinct for almost one-million years! We must have been transported to a Jurassic wonderland! I shall tame this savage land, market it as a theme park, and make a fortune! (Gets kicked aside by Deku-Link)   
  
Deku-Link: Would you shut that guy up? He's making me pissed! And you won't like me when I'm pissed!  
  
Mido's voice: He ain't lying!  
  
Medli: Uh, excuse my friend he is still suffering from a hangover, could you tell us where we are and uh, what you are?  
  
Deku-Link: Hey! The question is what are you? Some sorta wacky bird trainer? (Looks at feathers) What are these plastic?  
  
Medli: Bite me wood boy, and hands off the merchandise!  
  
Deku-Link: You wanna fight chicken girl?  
  
Makar: Bring it on extincto!  
  
Deku-Link: Make the first move punks!  
  
Medli: Oh, you're f*cking up the wrong tree!  
  
Deku-Link: What does that have to do with anything!  
  
Saria: (Hits Deku-Link with a Deku-Stick, subduing him for a moment) Mine apologies, heir bird and... thing. This is the Kokiri forest. I'm am Saria the Kokiri and this is my creepy, badly trash-talk oriented roommate Deku-Link.  
  
Makar: Hey, if you're a Kokiri, then that means you're a forest sprite right?  
  
Saria: Yeah.  
  
Makar: Dude! So am I! I'm a Korok! (Holds out badge) Local union 27!  
  
Saria: Wait, if you're a forest sprite, then what's our secret hand shake?  
  
Makar: (Crosses eyes and sticks up pinky fingers)  
  
Saria: (Does the same) Brother.  
  
Medli & Deku Link: O.o  
  
Saria: Don't ask. So who are you guys?  
  
Makar: Well, I'm Makar from the Forest Haven. I love to partah!  
  
Medli: My names Medli. I'm from Dragon Roost. Well actually I'm not from Dragon Roost, my people just bought Dragon Roost from a group of rock eating people for a giant slab of igneous rock, which they promptly ate and swam away with. Needless to say they all drowned. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!  
  
Everyone in the Forest: O.o  
  
Medli: Hehe. I guess it's one of those things you had to be there to see.  
  
Saria: Right. So how bout I show you guys around the place.  
  
Makar: Cool.  
  
Saria: This is it.  
  
Makar: Oh. (Looks inside Saria's house) Ooo. Nice place you got here. What's up with this "Grande Tooth-Pick"? Is this a sword?  
  
Deku-Link: Hey, hey, hey! That's Mine! If you guys wanna live in miy house you have to not touch miy stuff and...  
  
(In the background Tetra (In Pirate cloths) is now being lowered by a rope into Saria's house to steal loot)  
  
Tetra: Yes! Ze Grande Toothpick! She is mine! (Steals sword and leaves)  
  
Deku-Link: And of course, the evil dragon makes it illegal to say sh*t in fanfic.  
  
Makar: Uh, actually we just wanted to know where we are.  
  
Medli: Yeah, I don't think we could spend like five minutes with you guys.  
  
Ruto: Hey Saria! I'm here for poker! Rauru couldn't come cause he had indigestion and... (Sees Medli and Makar) Oh, you have Mormons. I'll just go paw through Link's clothing and other personal items.  
  
Saria: No that's cool, we'll be done in a minute.  
  
Medli: Anyway could you just point us toward the Sea. See, we're the Master Sword sages and we need to get back to our shrines or Link will be seriously PO'd.   
  
Saria: Uh, well... Hey you guys are master sword sages?  
  
Medli & Makar: (Hold up sage symbols)  
  
Saria & Ruto: (Do the same)  
  
Deku-Link: :) (Reaches into pocket and pulls out label that says "Dry clean only") :(  
  
Saria: Wow, I always thought there were only six sages, well if you don't include Princess Know-It-All.   
  
Ruto: We should probably go see Rauru and tell him. He'll probably know what the Shitzu's goin' on.  
  
Saria: Good idea. But first we better go find a phone to use in that spooky mansion. (Camera pans to a spooky mansion ala Scooby Doo)  
  
Medli: Can't we just use your phone?  
  
Saria: I don't have a phone.  
  
Medli: Well then what's that? (Points to magic leaf phone)  
  
Saria: (Smashes phone) It's broken.  
  
Deku-Link: Okay, first I just have clean my teeth... It's gone! My tooth-pick is gone!  
  
Makar: The whole place has been cleaned out! Well, it look's like we got a mystery on our hands gang!  
  
Ruto: Who are you?  
  
Medli: I'll explain on the way to the mansion.  
  
Ruto: (Sees harp) So you play the harp?  
  
Medli: Yeah, my ancestors made it of human bones.  
  
Ruto: No kidding? That's how my people make harps!  
  
Shippo: Well, this fic just pulled a Roswell. That's all we have for you today on Ocarina of Doom. Tune in next (Insert Period of Time) for another crappy chapter. Until then, good night and good...  
  
Maverick: (Appears behind Shippo) Ello, ello? What's all this then?  
  
Shippo: O.o Lord Maverick! I was just...  
  
Maverick: It's benderin' time!  
  
Shippo: AHHHHH! (Runs like a deer again)  
  
Maverick: I love watchin' that guy run! Thanks for the tip Inuyasha!  
  
Inuyasha: Sa'right.  
  
Maverick: And now, free cheese! (Throws cheese everywhere)  
  
Fin 


	4. Tictacs, the currency of the mafuture!

Hello, everyone! Today I've decided to do something special to test your loyalty! No, you won't be forced to endure Teletubbies, but that's a good idea! Watch... LOOK! OVER THERE!!! FREE RIBBON!!!! Okay. Uriko, how many people are still reading?  
  
Uriko: What am I, your servant?  
  
Ooookay. Shippo, would you enlighten us? (Shippo is tied up) Oh right. Kaibosh Computer, how many viewers we still got?  
  
KC: Just one Maverick.  
  
One? That's it? Okay. Hello, loyal viewer you, despite great temptation, have decided to stay and read this crappy fic. That's all I got. Roll it ya freeloaders!  
  
-Lost Woods  
  
Link W: (Crawling on the ground with a beard and dirty hat and tunic) Green guy... Green guy... How long have we been adrift on this island?  
  
Link T: Uh, dude, you've been here, like two hours.  
  
Link W: (Takes off beard) Oh yeah.  
  
Navi: The kid still looks a little crazy.  
  
Link T: I know just what he needs. Come on! We'll take him to the village.  
  
-Kokiri Village  
  
Link T: Hey random Kokiri!  
  
Kokiri#1: Hey Link! Hey Epona! Hey Navi! Hey Link! What a nice two guys.  
  
Link T: (Walks by Deku Tree) Hey Deku Tree!  
  
Link W: Hey Deku Tree!  
  
Great Deku Tree: Link, do you realize there are two of you?  
  
Links: Hu wha?  
  
Navi: They realize mien furher, but I believe they are too stoned to care.  
  
Great Deku Tree: Whatever. It's not my job to watch over the green hatted children.  
  
Link T: Hey Mido!  
  
Mido: (Makes cross with fingers)  
  
Link T: Cursed.  
  
Navi: We got it.  
  
Link W: Whatever.  
  
-Saria's House  
  
Link T: Deku told me about Saria's secret piggy bank he found while he was in one of his "barmy" moods. (That means drunk)  
  
Link W: So where is this Barmy? Shouldn't he be here?  
  
Link T: I don't know. They're probably... (Saria's song plays) Hold on, I got a page. (Takes out Ocarina and uses it like a cell phone) A hoy-hoy?  
  
Saria: (Breathing heavily) I'm sooo scared. Link! Me, and Deku, and Ruto, and some weirdoes who say they know you are, well they is... we is.   
  
Ruto: AHHH! There it is!  
  
Medli: Valoo help us!  
  
Makar: No way! We're praying to my god!  
  
Deku-Link: (In a meditative state) Oh mani-paymay ho. Oh mani-paymay ho. Praise Buddha!  
  
Saria: Link! You gotta... oh no! NOOOOOOOO........................  
  
Link T: Oh no!  
  
Link W: What? What is it?   
  
Link T: Some one cleaned out all the loot! There's nothing left!  
  
Link W: Can't we hock anything?  
  
Link T: Not unless they wanna buy some old Tic Tacs or a sage seal.  
  
Link W: Well, we're lost with one of them, but maybe some one will buy the Tic Tacs!  
  
Link T: No it's hopeless. We'll never get drug money!  
  
Navi: Why don't you just go chop down some bushes?  
  
Link T: Now really Navi, when was the last time you had good advice?  
  
Navi: Uh.....  
  
Link T: Never. You were never right. Okay, we have but one option, we'll have to get high off of whatever we have. Empty your pockets! Okay, I got a couple of Deku Nuts, a couple of Fairies, some chocolate, some scraps of weed, and the remains of some guy named Goht. You okay with eating a mechanical beast?  
  
Link W: Uh, okay.  
  
Link T: Good, what'cha got?  
  
Link W: I got some blue Chu Jellies...  
  
Link T: They're blue now?  
  
Link W: Some Golden Feathers, the blood of a Moblin...  
  
Link T: Is it fresh?  
  
Link W: (Smells and then drinks the blood) Eh? It'll do. And, I got some of this blue sh*t Makar made me out of seeds.   
  
Link T: Is it legal? More to the point, is it depth blurring?  
  
Link W: Couldn't hurt.  
  
Link T: Good enough for me! (Takes all ingredients, shoves them in a bottle and shakes it up)  
  
Link W: Are you sure this is drug making and not summoning of evil beasts?  
  
Link T: That's for Satan to decide. (Sets down glass) Okay try it dude.  
  
Link W: No way, I ain't tryin' it! You try it!  
  
Navi: Would you guys stop being such pansies and... (As she is talking, Link W shoves the drink down her throat) O.o **************************** (Starts flying around in circles) Weeeeeeee! I'm the green fairy! WEEEEEEE!  
  
Links: O.o (Look at the drink and promptly begin to drink)   
  
Link T: I don't feel anything yet.  
  
Link W: Me neither. Stupid fairies! They have less of a tolerance for drugs!  
  
Link T: Well, we better burn it. (Sets the drink on fire with a Deku stick and causes an evil demon to rise out of the drug brew)  
  
Demon: HAHAHA! I am finally FREE!!! Wait no... I don't wanna go back to the nothing! ( Is sucked into the drink turning it black)   
  
All: O.o  
  
Link W: (Takes the drink and drinks it) WOO! THAT'S GOOD EVIL! (Starts flipping out)  
  
Link T: Gimme some of that! (Drinks and also goes crazy) @.@ SNAP!  
  
Snap indeed Link. Snap indeed. We'll check back with the pot heads later, now let's see how the crime syndicate is doing.  
  
-Hyrule Fields  
  
(A carriage drives through the hills with Hyrule two, most notorious, non-Gerudo, thieves and the worlds biggest supply of loot)  
  
Tetra: (In a tiny kiddy pool full of rupees and gold) Mmm Money! Mmmm Hyrule's Money!  
  
Zelda: (Dressed as Sheik) Uh Tetra? You gonna be done soon?  
  
Tetra: Now, Zelda what did I tell you was rule one of thievery?  
  
Zelda: Leave no witnesses.  
  
Tetra: Besides that.  
  
Zelda: Always go for the shiniest loot.  
  
Tetra: BESIDES THAT!  
  
Malon: The truth is out there.  
  
Tetra & Zelda: WHO'S DRIVING THE HORSES?  
  
Malon: Sorry, sorry. Yeesh! People are so finicky. (The cart hits something)  
  
Tetra & Zelda: O.O  
  
Malon: It was probably a dog.  
  
Ingo: (Was run over by cart) Oh my back. MAAA-LON!  
  
Malon: Snap. (Rides off)  
  
Zelda: Remind me, why is she here?  
  
Tetra: Zelda, every great thief outfit needs an equal balance of brains, skill, and futility.  
  
Zelda: Eh?  
  
Tetra: Look, we need your smarts to case the joint, we need my skills to rob the place, and we need her to supply and drive the getaway cart.  
  
Malon: Finally I have a purpose!  
  
Zelda: But it's my cart!  
  
Malon: Your cart, my donkey, it's only fair!  
  
Zelda: But it's my donkey!  
  
Malon: Well yeah.  
  
Tetra: Look, she's the best we can do without the Yellow Submarine.   
  
Zelda: You named your boat the Yellow Submarine?  
  
Tetra: (Meekly) Yes.  
  
Zelda & Malon: .......... HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! (Suddenly a bomb is through at them by Tetra) O.o (The two through it to each other back and forth until Zelda finally wises up and throws it out the carriage)  
  
-A Ways down the Road  
  
Ingo: Oh, quite a daring escape from the jaws of death. (Bomb falls at his feet) Why do I even bother?   
  
You don't wanna see this, or do you? Yes you do!  
  
Ingo: O.o (Bomb explodes) MAAAA-LON!!!!  
  
-Elsewhere  
  
Malon: Did you guys hear something?  
  
Tetra: Never mind that. Now, I need to talk to you guys about something. As you know we already have stolen the Grande Toothpick, the golden Wind Fish of the Squirrel Master, and the Shores of Tripoli.  
  
Zelda: But the shores of Tripoli aren't in Hyrule.  
  
Tetra: They are now. =)  
  
Malon: Oh, yeah. I remember that. So many memories, so many deaths, so many abducted cattle, WHHHHYYYY!! (Starts crying)  
  
Tetra: It's okay Malon, we'll get those dirt bags who stole your cattle. I have my top men working on it!  
  
Zelda: And by top men you mean...?  
  
Tetra: You, Zelda. You're working on it.  
  
Zelda: (Groans)  
  
Tetra: Anyway, remember last week when we jumped that Goron and stole his clicker?  
  
Zelda: Do I! (Is playing with clicker)  
  
Malon: Hey don't hog it!  
  
Zelda & Tetra: DON'T LET GO OF THE WHEEL!  
  
Malon: Sorry.  
  
Tetra: Anyway, I really wanted THIS! (Takes out Goron Ruby) Shing! Sparkle, Sparkle!  
  
Zelda: Is that that Goron Ruby?  
  
Tetra: That it is Zelda! For you see we are going after the biggest prize of them all, The Triforce!  
  
Zelda: Tetra, the Triforce was already stolen, remember?  
  
Tetra: Yeah I know! But I figured I went back in time to before Gannondorf got it, so it must still be there!  
  
Zelda: Tetra, it...  
  
Malon: Don't try arguing with her. She's gone off the stealing deep end! First she wants the Triforce, next she'll want the earth's core.  
  
Tetra: WHO TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NEXT HIEST?!?!?!  
  
Malon: O.o  
  
Tetra: Uh, sorry. Anyway according to this place mat from the restaurant we ate breakfast at last night, it says we need the three elemental stones and the Ocarina of Time to get the Triforce! We got the Ruby and Zelda's Link has us covered on the Ocarina, so all we need is the Zora Sapphire and the Kokiri Emerald, carried by the sages of Forest and Water, who also according to the same place mat, are Saria and Ruto! (Bump, bump, bump!)   
  
Zelda: Uh, Tetra, why exactly do you want the Triforce? Ultimate evil?  
  
Tetra: Hell no! Everyone knows the Triforce is the shiniest of all golds, baring the center of the Earth, and if I, er we, stole it we would be the worlds greatest thieves! We could go up to Riku, Lupin III, and hell even Sly Cooper and blow smoke in their stupid monkey faces! Except Sly, who would have a raccoon face. Plus we can finally make ten-million dollars!  
  
Malon: You know, Sly has a thief manual.  
  
Tetra: (Holds up page of Thievious Raccoonus) Does he now?  
  
Malon: Woah!  
  
Zelda: Where'd you get the page?  
  
Tetra: I bought it from the bat-girl we met in the last town. You think this could have any bad ramifications? (A cane is rammed through the carriages roof)  
  
Zelda: Oh yeah.  
  
-Elsewhere in the land of Hyrule  
  
Makar: (Holding some sort of pufferfish/cat) Thus ends the mystery of the haunted cat balloon! (Puts it on his head) Like my new hat?  
  
Medli: You should probably burn that thing.  
  
Makar: I little early for should.  
  
Deku Link: (Is now struggling to limp forward) So tired, can't keep going. Saria? Saria? If I don't make it, tell my dad, he's weird.  
  
Saria: Uh, Deku? We've only been walking two minutes. (Points to the sign that says "You are now leaving the Kokiri Forest")  
  
Deku Link: I hate you all, so very, very much.  
  
-Later  
  
Deku Link: Now I'm so tired! How the hell did Link ever do this?  
  
Talon: (Rides up on a horse) Get a horse! (Rides away)  
  
Deku Link: That guy was a jerk! Let's do what he says!  
  
Ruto: No.  
  
Deku Link: There are some Cuccus! We could ride Cuccus!  
  
Saria: Uh, that's not a good idea Deku, those Cuccus are f*cking crazy, and anyway...  
  
Makar: (Rides up on a Cuccu) High-ho clucky! (Suddenly a very pissed off Cuccu calls upon its allies who promptly attack Saria, Makar, Deku, and Ruto)   
  
All except Medli: AHHHHHHHH!   
  
Meldi: (Talking to Cuccus) Yes, that's it! Dance minions, dance! (A Cuccu starts clucking at her) Get out of here you feathered mother f...  
  
-Minutes Later  
  
Medli: AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! I'M TO YOUNG, AND FULL OF HATRED FOR HUMANS TO DIE!!! (The entire Cuccu is now chasing her)  
  
Cuccu: BWAK! Translation: We have her now men! Get the hippie!!!  
  
-Many Minutes Later  
  
Deku Link: So Hungry! Gotta eat something! Like fried chicken! (Looks at Medli and sees KFC bucket and starts drooling)  
  
Medli: (Looking at Ruto and seeing a plate of carp and starts drooling as well)  
  
Ruto: (Looking at Deku Link and seeing an acorn) Uh... wait maybe... (Now sees a giant Sequoia tree slab) Whatever I can get. (Starts drooling)  
  
All three: (Look toward Saria to see a hot dog (That's what they're made of))  
  
Saria: O.o Uh, I'm flattered but I don't swing that way. And Deku Link scares the hell outta me!  
  
Makar: Eureka! I've found it! According to this map I just drew with no sources or foundation, the lost land of Hyrule should be just over that ridge!  
  
Saria: Uh, Makar? There is no ridge around here.  
  
Makar: Uh, did I say ridge cause I meant crevasse!  
  
Ruto: Uh, uh.  
  
Makar: Well where the duce are we!? (Camera pans out to show the ocean)  
  
Ruto: Would you believe Lon Lon Ranch?  
  
-Local Bar  
  
Saria: I can't believe we walked all the way from the forest to the beach without even bumping into Hyrule! Makar, what kind of weird ass map you reading?  
  
Makar: I don't know, my calculations were right.  
  
Medli: Makar? This is a map of Disney Land.  
  
Makar: Really? Then I've been getting my groceries from the Pirates of the Caribbean for three years!  
  
-Flashback, Ghost Ship  
  
Makar: (Is checking out groceries at a ghost cash register) Hmm, I think I'd like my groceries bagged in order I'll eat it on the way home!  
  
Zombie Cashier: Sir, you've already had me bag them by shape, color, and order Ganon would destroy them in! Please your holding up the other fiends. (A large burst of fire is shot at Makar and the Zombie Cashier)  
  
-Back  
  
Ruto: Look, relax guys. I road to the forest on Lord Jabu Jabu! I'm sure he can take us to Hyrule.  
  
-Ocean Shore  
  
Ruto: What do you mean hundred rupees a ride!  
  
Deku Link: That's Bull Sh*t!  
  
Jabu Jabu: Hey, times are getting worse!  
  
Ruto: I was just here this morning and it was free!  
  
Jabu Jabu: Look princess. It's all supply and demand. I demand that you supply me with some bling-bling!  
  
Deku Link: Well, we're boned!  
  
Medli: Come on! I'm sure together we must have near one hundred rupees!  
  
-Later  
  
Medli: Okay, together we have four sage seals, a shiny hat...  
  
Deku Link: (Takes hat back) Don't touch the hat.  
  
Medli: And a box of Tic Tacs.  
  
Makar: My Tic Tacs!  
  
Medli: Which comes to a total of... negative thirty seven cents.  
  
Makar: Well, we're boned! Who wants some blue stuff?  
  
Deku Link: Yeah, that sounds good. Give me some of that stuff!  
  
Medli: Well, the writings on the wall. For us to get to Hyrule, we'll have to kill one of us and sell their carcass as meat, and I would like to volunteer Ruto!  
  
Ruto: What? Why me?  
  
Medli: Because you've said the least during this fic!  
  
Deku Link: Yeah! No one will mind if you're gone!  
  
Saria: Also, if we let you stay, we know you're gonna start going on about Link in a few chapters.  
  
Makar: Make her pay!  
  
Ruto: Now, I'm sure there are better ways to get the money than murder and extortion.   
  
Makar: (Whispering to Deku Link) How'd she learn about part two?  
  
Ruto: I mean we could steal the money.  
  
Saria: No way! Stealing is for losers and raccoons! (Suddenly a cane jabs out of the sand)  
  
All: AHHH!  
  
Maverick: Where does that cane keep coming from?  
  
Uriko: (Hides cane behind back) No where.  
  
Maverick: Uhhhhh right. Back to the fic.  
  
-Ganon's Tower  
  
Ganon (W): (No longer in pig mode and very exhausted) Okay, I think we've discovered that fighting will get us no where.  
  
Ganondorf (T): You're just a sore loser, ya pansy!  
  
Ganon: Shut it! Don't you see? We've been given another chance! With the power of the Triforce and the combined strength of me times two, we shall rule the universe!  
  
Ganondorf: Yeah! We shall rule the world! Yo, this dude is a f*cking dork! As soon as we rule I am going to...  
  
Ganon: Lift him by his brains and kick him in the nuts!  
  
Both: O.o Oh sh*t he can read my thoughts!  
  
Ganon: Well, it's become bluntly apparent that deception will not work.  
  
Ganondorf: It will if I close my eyes and say "Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah!!!"  
  
Ganon: Please Ganondorf, I may be five hundred and twenty-six years older than you, but I'm also five hundred and twenty-six years smarter than you!  
  
Ganondorf: Not to mention five hundred and twenty-six pounds fatter!  
  
Ganon: =( (Zaps Ganon with laser eyes) I also got high on quite a lot of blow and discovered how to shot lasers from my eyes.  
  
Ganondorf: (Burned) You don't say?  
  
Ganon: Let's just work together for now, and when we rule we'll have a thumb war! Winner takes Hyrule loser goes back in the sacred realm! Agreed?  
  
Ganondorf: Agreed.  
  
Helmaroc King: BWAK?  
  
Ganondorf: Yes, yes. There'll be punch and pie!  
  
Ganon: Okay, we've spent far too much time quibbling on formalities! We must think of a plan to take over Hyrule, and quickly! Link and Zelda may already know we're planing! (The three sit down and think)  
  
Ganondorf: ...So, how the hell did I live to five hundred?  
  
All three: ???  
  
Helmaroc King: BWAK!!!  
  
Ganondorf: Yes! The Highlander theory does make sense!  
  
-Zora Domain Night Club  
  
Zora MC: Ands now, put your, uh, whatever the hell you fish weirdoes have together for Saria and Deku Link!  
  
Saria: (Is holding Deku Link like a wooden dummy) Hi, I'm Saria, and this is little Knot Head!  
  
Deku Link: This is humiliating, I'm a famous Deku Warrior with many point weapons!  
  
Saria: Well "lord" Knot Head, why don't you sing for the people, while I drink this glass of water! (Starts drinking)  
  
Deku Link: (Starts humming the theme from Super Mario Brothers and then begins break dancing) I spit in that water.  
  
Saria: (Spits out water) KNOT HEAD!!  
  
(Elsewhere in the room, Medli and Ruto are playing the harp, for two audiences on opposite sides)  
  
Ruto: (Begins playing faster and attracts people from Medli's side of the room)   
  
Medli: = (Plays even harder)   
  
Ruto: = (Plays harder and is almost hit by Medli's harp)  
  
Medli: (Is now standing in a ninja stance)  
  
Ruto: You have insulted... this wall. WE MUST KUNG FU FIGHT!!! (Tears off cloths to reveal white ninja suit)  
  
Medli: Very well! I've been expecting this! (Does the same to reveal a business suit) Huh? (Does it again to reveal a clown suit, peter pan suit, super hero costume, gorilla suit, tuxedo, and finally her original cloths) O.o   
  
Makar: Uh, Medli? You gonna be done anytime soon?  
  
Medli: Oh right. I don't wear my ninja suit on Saturdays.  
  
(Universal Facefault)  
  
Medli: Very well! (Throws scarf over mouth like a Shinobi) Hi-Yah! (Runs on the wall over to Ruto and wall kicks her Enter the Matrix style)   
  
Ruto: (Takes out ninja death stars and throws them at Medli)  
  
Medli: O.o! (Dodges them all in slow motion as causing them all to hit an innocent bystander)  
  
Bystander: (Hit with death star) What the!? (Hit by a second) Oh my! (Hit by two more) Oh my no! (Hit by one in the head) Ow. (Dies)  
  
Medli: = (Runs to one side of the room and jumps from there to Ruto (Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon style) and begins kicking Ruto continuously, in the air still) Ya,ya,ya,ya! I could keep this up all night! Ya,ya,...! (Does a roundhouse kick, knocking Ruto out and lands on the ground) And stay down sucka! (Walks over to wall and pulls harps out. She the walks over to where she was sitting and begins to play softly again) No wait that's not right. (Turns dial on harp and begins to play "Welcome to the Jungle")   
  
Makar, Deku Link, and Saria: O.o  
  
Saria: Guys, let's never piss off Medli again.  
  
Makar: Deal.  
  
-Later  
  
Medli: (Counting the money they made as Ruto sneaks up behind her with a sledge hammer)  
  
Makar: Hey Medli, great idea with the karate fighting.  
  
Ruto: Uh, idea.  
  
Medli: Yeah, I knew that people would pay more money for a cat fight! Ha! Foolish testosterone!  
  
Ruto: Uh, of course. Heh. (Hides hammer behind back)  
  
Medli: Uh, what's with the hammer?  
  
Ruto: What? Oh this! Uh, this is to clock Deku Link with!  
  
Deku Link: (Walks in) Hey guys! (Is smashed on the ground)  
  
Makar: Oooo! You bashed him right on the noggin!  
  
Medli: Okay, according to this, we made three hundred rupees! We already got more than enough!  
  
Deku Link: (Gets back up) Nice try demons, but it takes more than that to stop the mighty Deku Link! Sooooooooo, anyone gonna talk about my hat? Huh? Huh?  
  
Medli: Okay, we'll bite. What's new with your hat?  
  
Deku Link: I got it upgraded! (The hat is now solid gold) Behold the gilded hat in all it's gilded hat glory! And it only cost one hundred rupees!  
  
Others: O.o  
  
Medli: Well, at least we still got two hundred rupees.  
  
Saria: Hey Ruto! Check it out! I got the Zora Sapphire and the Kokiri Emerald made into large novelty rings, just like you asked! And it only cost fifty rupees each. (Everyone looks at Ruto)  
  
Ruto: Heh heh. No Saria I said drinks. Not rings.  
  
Medli: Ruto, I swear I will f*cking kill and eat you!  
  
Ruto: Come on! We still got enough to go to Hyrule!  
  
Medli: Uh, actually, I sort of lied. I spent eighty bucks.  
  
Ruto: On what?  
  
Medli: (Is wearing a gem stone engraved cloths) Would you believe, the fight against cancer?  
  
Saria: Well, at least we made some money.  
  
Makar: Uh...  
  
Saria: Oh no! Oh please no!  
  
Makar: I sort of spent twenty bucks. (Holds up a new solid gold fiddle) He also let me make a free CD! (Holds up CD) Makar let's loose! Only six ninety-five!  
  
-Mountain Smithy  
  
Smithy: (Rolling in money) Wow, those little forest sprites were sure gullible!  
  
Big Smithy: ROOOOOOOAAAARRRRR!!!! ME SMASH!!! (Beats tiny smith's head in) NOW ME LORD OF RINGS!!!!! LALALALALA!!!!!  
  
-Zora Domain  
  
Saria: CURSE YOU MOUNTAIN SCHMITY!!!! CURSE YOU!!!!!  
  
Makar: Well, we're screwed three days to Sunday. Who wants a Tic Tac? (Takes out Tic Tacs, and suddenly a giant whale rises out of the sea)  
  
Jabu Jabu: Are those Tic Tacs you got there? Can I have some Tic Tacs?  
  
Makar: No way! Sod off!  
  
Medli: Get um! (They all pile drive on to Makar and get the Tic Tacs from him) Okay, here's your stupid pay! Now take us to stupid Hyrule!  
  
Jabu Jabu: (Eating) Okay. Just climb on my back and ride the barnacle!  
  
Saria: Finally! The nightmare is over!  
  
Medli: Can I still kill Ruto?  
  
Maverick: Well, once again we ended a chapter with out doing anything of relevance! Sorry for the extremely long subplot, I swear I'll make the next chapter shorter. (Crosses fingers) Well, see ya next chapter and... (In the background people are looting) Hey! What the hell is going on? (Sees who the people are) What? Rikku, Lupin III, Sly Cooper, Rouge! What are you guys doing here?  
  
Rikku: Oh hello!  
  
Lupin: We are the master thieves and we're here to rob you blind!  
  
Sly: We already drugged Uriko and mister Shippa.  
  
Maverick: Ya'll got Shippo?   
  
Rouge: Less talk more take.  
  
Lupin: Wait! Could you guys get a picture of us with Maverick?   
  
Rouge: Okay. (Starts taking picture) Done.  
  
Lupin: Great. Goemon's gonna love this. He's a big fan of your work.  
  
Rikku: Okay, let's get him out of here! Bender! Gambit!  
  
Maverick: (Is carried away by a very angry Cajun and a wonderful mechanical man) Help! This ain't no act bitch! HELP!!!!!! 


	5. Link: Chick Magnet of Time

Hello everyone! I'm not goig to be doing a monolouge today because my feet hurt! Also I want to get out of the box before Uriko comes back. She's gonna... (Water glass shakes) The water! Look at the water! RUUUUNNNNNN!!!!!!!!! Curse my love of practical jokes! (Runs away as Uriko comes in dragging the Liberty Bell behind her)  
  
Uriko: Maverick! I'm gonna get you! Tie me to the Liberty Bell will you!  
  
-Link's House  
  
(We arrive at Link's house where the Link's are still extreamely high. Link W has become so high that he believes he is a humming bird, while Link T has become si high that he believes he is Russel Crowe)   
  
Link W: Bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz....... (Is flapping his arms really fast and accidentally falls out of the tree house) I'm okay!  
  
Link T: (Talking to Epona) You wanna fight ya Norwiegen! I'm snap ya like a twig!  
  
(Meanwhile Navi still is under the impression she is the green fairy. Correct, drugs have made Navi see the light!)  
  
Navi: (Exsorcist ish) I'm the grrrrrrrrrrrreeeeeeeeeeennnnnnnnnnnn fairy. (Head spins around)  
  
Link T: EH! You fairies wanna take me? I'll blast your skinny hides to hell!   
  
Navi: (Is spinning around) WEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!   
  
Maverick: It's def con four men! She's gone from Navi annoying to Omochao annoying! Release the hounds!!!! (Hounds are released) They should be there about a freckle past a hair!  
  
Link T: Oh, I'll get you pansy! (Draws sword but it is not there) What the? Oh right! I sold it to Deku!  
  
Link W: Did I miss anything?  
  
Navi: We wo, we wo, we wo! I'm a fairy!  
  
Link W: AHHH! Spawn of the giant f*cking bird!!!!! Eat whatever this sword's made of!!!!! (Draws Master Sword and slices threw Navi, spliting her in twain)  
  
Link T: (Suddenly snaps out of high) Woah! Link, you sliced Navi!  
  
Link W: (Also goes out of high) I didn't mean to.  
  
Link T: No! I'm just stoked someone actually did it! (As the Link's celebrate, Navi suddenly reforms, as if there was some sort of regeneration machine around)  
  
Navi: Oh, my head... (Sees the Link's with hats and streamers that say "Navi is Dead!") What the hell are you guys doing?  
  
Links: O.o (Slice banners) Nothing.  
  
LInk T: I don't understand. I saw her get split in twain!  
  
(EH! Don't make fun of how I talk you Mother Funfer!)  
  
Link T: Sorry.  
  
Link W: Well, it's obvious that... (Slices Navi again but the same thing happens)  
  
Navi: Do, you realize how much that stings?  
  
Link W: What a strange phenomenon. This requires expert study and hours of observation! (Stabs Link with the sword and pulls it out)  
  
Link T: Why the hell did you do that?   
  
Navi: Link look! (Link's wound suddenly heals)  
  
Link W: Somthings not right.  
  
Link T: Read the owner's manual! Call technical support!  
  
Link W: It didn't come with an owner's manual.  
  
Link T: It did when I got it.  
  
Navu: Link, you never returned that manual.  
  
Link T: But I love reading it!  
  
Navi: That's bull! You just like looking at the pictures!  
  
Link T: Can you blame me!  
  
Link W: Wow, I didn't know it could make omelet's with it! How'd you get this?  
  
Link T: Well, I did have the sword last.  
  
Link W: Wait, if you had the sword last then you must be that creepy hero of time dude.  
  
Navi: (Sarcastically) No, what gave you that idea.  
  
Link W: Wow! Hey, does this thing really have Princess Zelda's number on it?  
  
Link T: See for yourself! (Indeed , the phone number of Zelda is engraved on the mystic blade) And if you look on the flip side you'll see Saria's and Malon's number.  
  
Link W: Why is this fourth number engraved on it all scetchilly?  
  
Link T: Oh, that was Ruto! See forcibly carved it there that one night when.... Uh that's not important!  
  
Link W: Well, what's the manual say about the sword not working?  
  
Link T: It says to find a moblin and stab him!  
  
Navi: No Link, that's the instructions on how to use the sword.  
  
Link W: It should work the same! (As if on que... uh I said as if on que!!!!!)  
  
Moblin: Yeah, yeah! What are you my mother? (As I was sayng, as if on que a random moblin walks by)  
  
Mobin: Makin' movies, makin' songs, and tryin' to kill Link! What a glorious day, to spend away, tryin to kill Link! (Starts whistleing)  
  
Link T: YOU! Frolicking Moblin! Take this sword and stab yourself with it!  
  
Moblin: I'm not stabbing myself with that sword! I don't know where it's been!  
  
Link T: Do it, before I kick you in the nuts!  
  
Moblin: !!!! Fair enough. (Stabs himself) I died doing what I loved! (Disapears in CGI smoke)  
  
Link T: Well it works, but I never saw a Moblin do that! Which is a shame because it kicks ass!  
  
(Maverick Union Local 282 endorses CGI smoke!)  
  
Link W: Wait! Look! I found it in the owner's manual!  
  
Navi: Great, the little stoner's found something!  
  
Link W: Look, it says, Master Sword can be used for good or evil! Please only use for good! Warning! When used for evil Master Sword may hurt owner!  
  
Link T: Eh?  
  
Link W: Apparently the sword only works when killing Moblins!  
  
Link T: Bitchin! (Slices Link into tiny pieces which promtly regenerate)  
  
Link W: Wow, Navi was right! That does sting!  
  
Link T: Oh my Gawd! Navi was right! (Yells to Kokiri) EVERYONE! RUN! IT'S THE APOCOLYPSE!!!!! HEAD FOR THE HILLS!!!! (All the Kokiri run away) Heh, heh! Dumb asses! Well that was fun! Anyway, you guys realize what this means!  
  
Navi: We can instantly vanquish evil people without worrying about harming the innocent!  
  
Link W: We're gonna make omelets!  
  
Link T: No, and maybe later! It means we can go around annoying the heck outta people! Come on! Off to Hyrule!!!  
  
Link W: Why we goin' there?  
  
Link T: I got a couple hunches about people I think are evil! AKA the Happy Mask Man!  
  
Link W: Uh, okay. By the way is that place still black and white?  
  
-Ganon's Tower  
  
(The three are still sitting around thinking as dust begins to collect on their bodies)  
  
Ganondorf: Hey! Old man! If you're so smart you think of the plan! I've already thought up enough evil schemes this millenia! Beside you have more experiance.  
  
Ganon: Fine! I'll think up the plan, but first you gotta do something for me!  
  
Ganondorf: Fine, what?  
  
Ganon: Two words. Ambiance.  
  
Ganondorf: That's one word.  
  
Ganon: Whatever! The point is, this place sucks astetically! We need to redecorate!  
  
Ganondorf: I really doubt that we'll be able to kill Link and take over Hyrule faster if we redecorate.  
  
Ganon: WE'LL BE ABLE TO THINK BETTER IF WE REDECORATE!  
  
Ganondorf: Okay, okay! We'll redecorate! But hurry it up!  
  
-Four Hours Later  
  
(After four hours of manual labor the lair now look exactly like (Drumroll) the Cheers bar!)  
  
Ganon: FINALL!Y! We can sing the Cheers song! (Starts humming the Buffy theme. Yes, I finally took the time to learn the Cheers song, but I feel like torturing people today!)  
  
Ganondorf: Okay we did your friggin redecorating! Now will you formualte a plan! Also, that was the Simpson's theme!  
  
Ganon & Helmaroc King: O.o  
  
Ganon: Okay, okay! Keep your fakackta cape on!  
  
Ganondorf: Since when do I say fakackta?  
  
Ganon: Since when do I say fakackta?  
  
Helmaroc King: BWAKK?  
  
Ganon: I'm not sure.  
  
Ganondorf: I believe it is some varietah of meecrob.  
  
Ganon: Oh, meecrob! How I loath thee!  
  
Ganondorf: Okay! Whatever! Do you have a plan?  
  
Ganon: Tch! Duh! What do I look like, Bowser?  
  
And now an editorial reply from Bowser  
  
Bowser: That was uncalled for! (Runs off crying)  
  
Uhhhhhhhh.  
  
Ganon: Alright! I'll need a squad of your finest, drunkest, most criminally insane moblins!  
  
Ganondorf: Uhhhh....  
  
Ganon: Well, what are ya waitin' for pig boy? Get yo minions.  
  
Ganondorf: (To Helmaroc King) You wanna tell him or should I?  
  
Ganon: What?  
  
Ganondorf: Well, because "somebody" let me out early I couldn't finish my moblin armies. All I finished was bird boy here.  
  
Ganon: O.O You're, you're jokin' right?  
  
Ganondorf: ..........  
  
Helmaroc King: ...........  
  
Ganon: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!! MAVERICK 1812 MUST DIE!!!!!!  
  
Maverick: . . What are you lookin' at me for?  
  
-Hyrule Market  
  
(A flock of Cuccu's are grazing happily in the fields)   
  
SLICE!!!!!  
  
Link T: (Using Master Sword and slicing Cuccus and watching them reform) Cuccu's clean! (Slice) Cuccu's clean! (Slice) Cuccu's clean! (Slice)  
  
Cuccu: BWAK!!! NO! Weak! Lame! (Melts)  
  
Link T: I found an evil one!  
  
Link W: Cool! Let's try it out on some villagers, er a possible baddies!  
  
Navi: Which one?  
  
Link: =)   
  
-A Random Field Somewhere  
  
Tingle: (Is hovering on a balloon) I am Bee! I drink tea! Won't you dance around with me! (Balloon is suddenly shot down by a fire arrow) Oh my! AHHHH! (Falls to ground)  
  
Link W: Hello Tingle.  
  
Tingle: OH! Hello fairy man! And uh... fairy man's friend! What brings you... (Is suddenly stabbed through the gut by Link)  
  
Link W: Charge me two-thousand rupees will ya, ya little bugger!  
  
Link T: Alright! We killed tingle, who was evil!  
  
Tingle: (Wakes up) Well fancy that! I'm alive! What's up with that? Good day to you mister homicidal fairy! (Walks away)  
  
Link W: Darn it! He wasn't evil!  
  
Link T: And now we have to get out sword back from his gay person!   
  
-Happy Mask Shop  
  
Happy Mask Man: I am creepy, oh so creepy! (Links walk in) Oh hello green people!  
  
Links: =)  
  
Happy Mask Man: What are you doing? What's that sword for? Where's my money?  
  
Link W: Die kin of evil! (Slices HMM In a triforce shape, carving him into little triangles)  
  
Link T: Nice!  
  
Happy Mask Man: (Reforms) Hello!  
  
Link W: Wha?  
  
Link T: Mask Man? Your not evil?  
  
Happy Mask Man: Afraid not, and, again I shall say, that really stings! You win a present! (Hands them masks) Goodbye! (Disappears in a puff of smoke)   
  
Link W: Wow! Free masks! He sure was nice for a crazy guy!  
  
Link T: (Sees the masks are about to be exploded blast masks) Oh hell bells. (You know what happens)  
  
-Later  
  
Link W: For a non-evil dude, that guy sure does suck!  
  
Navi: Yeah!  
  
Link T: At least you guys didn't have to spend a revolving three days with him! Hey look! (Points to marathon man approaching) If we can't use this sword to weed out possible evils, we'll use it for our own sick little pleasures!  
  
Navi: I'm overwhelmed by the stupidity.  
  
Link T: Okay, we'll hide behind the wall and when he comes this way, we slice his head and legs off! Break!  
  
Marathon Man: Doomy, doomy, doomy, doomy doom!  
  
Link W: Sushi-ashi!  
  
Marathon Man: O.O For cryin' out loud! (Is chopped into pieces by link and suddenly explodes in CGI smoke)  
  
Links: O.o  
  
Link T: Woah! The Marathon Man was evil!  
  
Link W: Yeah and we killed him! (The two begin to dance around)  
  
Marathon Man: FOOLISH YOUTH! (Turns into a demon) You have not vanquished me Heroes of Time and Wind! You think you have won, you think all is well, but kiss my black ass, I'll see you in HELL!!! (Disappears)   
  
Everyone in a twelve mile radius: O.o  
  
Link W: I gotta tell you friend, you live in one f*cked up world.  
  
-Ganon's Tower  
  
Ganon: (In fetal position) Ganon's a good boy! Nothin' bad is gonna happen! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! We're gonna die! We are going to die! Without minions, Link will come kick our asses!  
  
Ganondorf: Get a hold of yourself man! (Slaps Ganon) We're gonna be okay!  
  
Ganon: Easy for you to say! You only had to deal with the little bugger once! I watched my best friend's head explode because of him!  
  
Helmaroc King: Bwak!?  
  
Ganondorf: Relax dude! We can't worry about the loss of our pigs now! We have to plan for the future, and for that we have to not be going crazy! (Smacks him more)  
  
Ganon: (Breaths) Okay. I'm alright. (Is smacked again) Why'd you do that?  
  
Ganondorf: I don't know. It's that damn author's twisted sense of humor! After we rule Hyrule, we shall begin our war on... Maverick!!!  
  
Helmaroc King: BWAK!!!  
  
Ganon: You know what, we're not sure.  
  
Ganondorf: Okay, now let's think, where could we get loyal minions from?  
  
Ganon: (Thinking, that's a new one) I got it! We'll get ants!  
  
Ganondorf: Ants?  
  
Ganon: Yeah! Ants are super powerful! Even the Hero of Time couldn't stand up to an army of ants!  
  
Ganondorf: The years of solitude have driven you insane, eh old man?  
  
Ganon: Maybe, but I just got an even better idea! You're the former leader of the Gerudo, right?  
  
Ganondorf: Well, yeah but...  
  
Ganon: SOOO! All we have to do is get them to help us!  
  
Ganondorf: I don't know future me. It has been seven years, and I did sort of piss them all off by pledging allegiance to Hyrule.  
  
Ganon: No time to listen to you! Must go find way to win back army! (Runs out the door with Ganondorf but then comes back in) Watch the place okay Helmaroc King?  
  
Helmaroc King: Bwak! . . (Picks up phone) Bwak! (A bunch of Kagorocs storm in and begin to partah!)  
  
-Outside  
  
Ganondorf: Are you sure this is a good idea?  
  
Ganon: Of course! We're like their massiah! They'll have to obey us!  
  
-Gerudo Fortress  
  
(The two are now strapped to poles being carried by the Gerudo Pirates)  
  
Ganondorf: They'll have to obey us, eh?  
  
Ganon: Shut up pole boy!  
  
Ganondorf: Hey you're on a pole too!  
  
Ganon: I said shut up pole boy!!! (The two are stuck in front of a crowd of gerudo pirates)  
  
Gerudo At Podium: Cassedores!!!!  
  
Ganondorf: Dude, couldn't you use your magic laser vision to set us free?  
  
Ganon: Can't.  
  
Ganondorf: Why not?  
  
Ganon: Paralyzed with lechery.  
  
Ganondorf: (Annoyed) Oh hell, has it really been that long since you got any action? (Realizing what that means) Oh HELL has it really been that long since I got any action?!?!?  
  
Gerudo At Podium: Okay everybody, let's begin this week's orientation process! Anyone have any new buisiness?   
  
Gerudo#1:Uh... I do! (Is promptly shot with an arrow by the gerudo at the podium)  
  
GaP: Anyone else?  
  
Gerudo#2: (Raises hand and is also shot)  
  
GaP: Okay we have some important news! Our old leader, Ganondorf has come back, with what appears to be a chubby clone, and we are going to burn them!  
  
All: YAY!!!!  
  
Ganondorf: Aren't you gonna yell or some junk?  
  
Ganon: What did I just say?  
  
GaP: Okay, and now to introduce your lord and my, all hail president Tetra!!! (Suddenly a large curtain lifts behind the Gerudo to reveal Zelda, Tetra, and Malon all sitting on large cushy throne)  
  
Tetra: My fellow, uh... (To Zelda) Who are these guys again?  
  
Zelda: The Gerudo.  
  
Tetra: The Gerudo!? Oh... Fantastic!! Okay, my fellow fish monsters! We are closer than ever to our goal of getting the triforce!!!  
  
All:???  
  
Tetra: You'll all be rich.  
  
All: YEAH!!!  
  
Tetra: However today we are here to... uh? What are we here for today?  
  
Malon: (Looking at schedule) The execution of Ganondorf and chubby friend!  
  
Tetra & Zelda: O.o!  
  
Tetra: Uh... (Breaks glass and takes out air horn) Party time! Everyone leave! (All the Gerudo go off to party)  
  
Malon: (Running off) Party!!! (Is grabbed by Tetra)  
  
Tetra: Not you! We need to go see the Ganondorks.  
  
Ganondorf: Okay you guys! Get us down from heya!  
  
Tetra: Oh how the mighty are fallen.  
  
Malon: Who are these guys?  
  
Zelda: Well the skinny one is that evil Link helped vanquish, I don't know who the other three guys are.  
  
Ganondorf: Hey, I thought I cursed you and your family? (Looks to Ganon) Why aren't you doing your job?!  
  
Ganon: I told you, they meddled me!  
  
Tetra: So, you also got affected by the magic lightning, eh big G?  
  
Ganon: What magic lightning? We were sucked into a time warp, you idiot!  
  
Tetra: Sir, you forget yourself! Shut up!  
  
Ganon: So what are you guys doing here?  
  
Tetra: Oh, just succeeding wherever you failed! We have gained control of the Gerudo and the Hylians, we got cooler looking costumes, and we're going to get the triforce!  
  
Ganon: What?  
  
Tetra: Yeesh, are you really that oblivious? We got sent back in time to before past you disrupted the golden triangle cabob! Soooo, I'm going to gather said sacred stones and claim the triforce for me! (Malon and Zelda look at her angrilly) And you guys. Heh, heh.  
  
Ganon: (Sean Connery ish) Truely, Princess Zelda, you are evil!  
  
Tetra: No, you're evil, I'm just power hungry.  
  
Ganon: Oh yeah! Well, you are dense, if that's any consillation!  
  
Zelda: (Is looking at fat Ganon) So, you actually get that fat?  
  
Ganondorf: That seems to be the question of the day.  
  
Zelda: Okay, more important question, how the hell did you break out of the sacred realm? That seal we put on was garenteed to last at most a hundred years!  
  
Tetra: O.o You knew that thing would only hold him one hundred years, and you didn't do anything about it?  
  
Zelda: Well, yeah but the ever last one would have, you know, cost six more dollars.  
  
Tetra: So you put six dollars ahead of the fate of a prosperous bead loving people?  
  
Zelda: Well... yes.  
  
Ganon: Good work lassy next you can make the world a better place by killing the marathon man! I hear he's involved in some shady doins!  
  
Zelda: Is he always this fat and arrogant?  
  
Tetra: Lazy too.  
  
Ganon: Hey!  
  
Ganondorf: So why, and more importantly how did you become Gerudo Warlords?  
  
Tetra: Well, we needed many more pirates for the whole triforce thing!  
  
Ganondorf: Well, that was obvious, but how did you get to be their leader?  
  
Tetra: oh, that was the easy part! I just told them that if I got the triforce, then it would mean constant partying and free food! Now, if you'll excuse me, I must go see if the Gerudo have retrieved the elemental stones.  
  
Zelda: We imagine that after that you'll be promptly burned at the stake, so bye forever. (The three leave)  
  
Ganon: Well, we're screwed. Nice knowin' Ganon # 2.  
  
Ganondorf: I already picked the ropes locks. We're free.  
  
Ganon: Are we Ganondorf, are we?  
  
Ganondorf: Yeah, we're already out of the compound, we broke out while you were mumbling.  
  
-Gerudo Fortress  
  
Gerudo #3: Mine Fuhrer, we have captured the hippies!  
  
Tetra: Hippies?  
  
Malon: The sages.  
  
Tetra: Oh! The hippies! Right! Bring them out!  
  
(A group of Gerudo carry out a large bag)  
  
Zelda: What are these guy's fascination with capturing people?  
  
(They open the bag revealing Medli, Makar, and Deku Link in a tie-dye tunic)  
  
Deku Link: Oh what? I wear a new tunic one day, and I get captured? What's democracy coming to?  
  
Makar: Medli? Where are we? We're in a place I don't know where we are!  
  
Medli: Well, I could've phrased that better, but you're right.  
  
Gerudo #4: These are the weirdest creatures we found.  
  
Medli: Hey, from our angle, you ain't quite normal yourself!  
  
Deku Link: Tell it girl friend!  
  
Medli: Shut up!  
  
Deku Link: Yes ma'am.  
  
Tetra: You got the wrong one's! Water and Forest, not Wind, Earth, and uh...  
  
Deku Link: They won't let me in their club.  
  
Malon: Keep fighting man!  
  
Tetra: Right, anyway, they don't have the stones.  
  
Gerudo's: Awwwwwwww.  
  
Gerudo #4: Uh sorry.  
  
Deku Link: Brute. (Kicks Gerudo)  
  
Medli: (Takes out flowers and holds up peace sign)  
  
Gerudo #4: Oh! The peace sign. Well I don't... (The flowers turn out to be shurikens which are promptly thrown into the Gwerudo's head, killing her)  
  
Zelda: More friends of yours?   
  
Tetra: Sages, wind and earth.  
  
Zelda: We don't have wind and earth sages. We only need six.  
  
Tetra: Yeah now you don't, but you wait five years.  
  
Zelda: Well, what are they doing here?  
  
Tetra: Beats me. You're the smart one remember? I only thought the magic lightning hit Link, Ganon, and me.   
  
(Suddenly, Ruto and Saria bust in the front gates)  
  
Saria: Alright, give us the forest sprites and nobody gets... (Sees the legions of assasians) Oh, did we bust into the wrong place.  
  
Tetra: Capture the guys who barged in, and throw the other three over the fence!  
  
-Three Seconds From Now  
  
Medli: (Is thrown over the fence but lands safely some how) Hey, I'm alive!  
  
Deku Link: (Is being crushed by Medli) Good for you.  
  
Makar: (Is being crushed by both) The pain! My spine!  
  
Medli: Oh, I have never been so insulted in my life! Come on guys, we're going back in there!!!  
  
Makar: Why?  
  
Deku Link: Yeah, we're alright. Screw them.  
  
Medli: It's not about that! I have been kidnapped more than once in my life, but I have never been released willfully! No one releases Medli without envocing her wrath! Of the wrath they shall feel! (Takes out harp with some how transforms into a gun) Eat Qualta Harp Losers!  
  
Deku Link: Bad pun Medli!  
  
Medli: (Points gun to him) You want some of this?!  
  
Deku Link: No.  
  
Makar: Hey look! Somebody's coming!  
  
(As the little forest thingy said, Link T and Link W are walking through the wasteland, for no good reason)  
  
Link T: I can't believe we vanquished an entire army of moblins by blinding their leader.  
  
Link W: Yeah, good A.I. is really hard to find. (Sees Makar and Deku Link all frightened like) Hey Makar!  
  
Link T: Hey DL!  
  
Deku and Makar: DOPPELGANGER!!!! AHHHHHHH!!!!!  
  
Links: What's their problem?  
  
Navi: Mabye's it's because there are two of you, ya stupid sods!  
  
Links: Ohh!  
  
Navi: Relax Deku, no doppelganger.  
  
Link T: Who's the wood boy?  
  
Link W: Makar, wind sage. Your's?  
  
Link T: Deku Link, freeloader. Bird Girl?  
  
Link W: Oh she's... (Sees that Medli is in a dazed state) Medli? Medli! Medli!! What's up?  
  
Makar: I don't know? One minute, she's talkin' about storming the castle for releasing her, the next she's conked out! Just as you guys arrived.  
  
Link T: Oh no!  
  
Navi: It's happening again.  
  
Makar: What?  
  
Navi: For some reason or another, Link has some amazing power as the Hero of Time to...  
  
Link W: Save the world from Brittany Spears?  
  
Navi: NO! He has the power to seduce any girl and in many disturbing ways some men.  
  
Link T: Uh, Navi. Let's try to put that out of our mind as much as we can.  
  
Makar: (Slaping Medli) Snap out of it girl!!! You're already taken!  
  
Medli: What? I was having the most wonderful dream about me and...  
  
Makar: Yeah, yeah! We'll listen to your dream later! We still got a problem.  
  
Link W: What?  
  
Deku Link: The Gerudo captured Ruto and Saria and are gonna use their magic stones to open the sacred realm and steal the triforce!  
  
Links: !!!!   
  
Link T: Wait wasn't the triforce already stolen?  
  
Deku Link: Oh yeah. Well they still have Saria and Ruto, which could be trouble.  
  
Link T: Oh no! We have to go save Saria, oh and uh Ruto I guess.  
  
Link W: But how? How can we storm a fortress of beautiful ninja assasians?  
  
Makar: (Thinking and light bulb suddenly lights up) Hey! I just thought of something!  
  
Link W: What?  
  
Makar: I need to change the light bulb! (Takes lightbulb and replaces it. While doing this he notices the still slightly dazed Medli) Hey! I thought of something else!  
  
Link W: Is it relavent to the situation?  
  
Makar: Yes. First, we need a montage.  
  
(Que preparation montage)  
  
(Dramatic music plays showing shots of Link W shadow fighting with his sword and shield and the sheathin his weapons. Fade out and in again to a shot of Makar playng his Cello and then swinging it about like a club. Fade out and in again on a shot of Deku Link putting on his hat. Fade out and fade in on a shot of Medli throwing a grappling hook and shooting with her evil harp. Fade out and fade in on a shot of Navi doing absolutly nothing)  
  
Navi: Nothing to see here folks. Makar, are we done with this montage.  
  
Makar: Okay. Now, we go in there, kill as many of those bitches as we can, grab the girls and get out! Link you go in first.  
  
Link T: Okay, but why am I wearing face paint?  
  
Makar: To block the sun from your eyes.  
  
Link T: Okay, more important question, where is my shirt?  
  
Makar: Uh, it was Medli's idea.  
  
Medli: Uh, the brave heart look is in.  
  
Link T: Well, okay, as long as it's in fashion.  
  
Makar: Remember, just run in there screaming bloody murder, you know to scare um!  
  
Link T: Okay, cover me! YAHHH! (Chrages in the fortress)  
  
Makar: Okay now! (Link W and Deku Link close the gate)  
  
Deku Link: Thank the Forest Giant for stupid people.  
  
Medli: Amen.  
  
Link T: YAHHHHHH!!!!! (The screaming is suddenly noticed by legions of beautiful ninja assasians)  
  
Gerudo: (All become dazed with love)  
  
Link T: Oh no. Not again. MAKAR! YOU DOUBLE CROSSER!!! (Runs away as fast as he can with the entire gerudo army chasing him)  
  
Saria: (Tied to post with Ruto) Oh no! He's getting away!  
  
Ruto: Must break free!!! (Summons of the strength of adult Link fangirlistis and beaks the ropes and chases after Link as well)  
  
Saria: Hey! Wait for me! (Summons up same strength but is far too weak) Curse my skinny arms!  
  
Tetra: Hey! Where are you going? What about the triforce? What about parties? What about freedom? What about my ten-million dollars! Well, at least we got each other, right guys? (Zelda and Malon are long gone) Darn. Well at leastI still got the Kokiri emerald!  
  
Link W: (Walking up)Well, Tetra, looks like your insane experiment is over.  
  
Tetra: Oh hey Link! We thought you were dead.  
  
Link W: Well, you know... (Is suddenly spotted by a group of reality struck Gerudo)  
  
Gerudo's: Hey there he is!  
  
Link W: Shazbot! (Is suddenly chased as well!)  
  
Saria: Deku Link! Makar! Get me down from heyah!  
  
Deku Link: No way! We've got enough coked up people chasing Link as it is.  
  
Tetra: Hey is anyone gonna help Link?  
  
Makar: No, we weren't planning on it.  
  
Tetra: (Groans) Fine. I'll chase down those murderous trolls myself. (Runs off to save Link)  
  
Medli: Hey I think I'm gonna go help her.  
  
Makar: (Grabs Medli) You already have a boyfriend!  
  
Medli: I can have two! Why shouldn't I?   
  
Makar: Oy! Women!  
  
Deku Link: I heard that brother!  
  
Medli: =  
  
Saria: =  
  
Deku Link: Oh sh...  
  
-Ten Seconds Later  
  
(Medli and Saria are chasing after the forest sprites carrying Harp-Guns and a Sling Shot)  
  
-A Hill Over Looking the Desert  
  
Ganon: Well, it looks like those Links have out done us again, eh old chap!  
  
Ganondorf: Perhaps, but now we have the chance to seek vengeance on those hideous dirt monsters once and for all! Now, we must return to our lair, but first talk all spooky like!  
  
Ganon: Oh okay! Soon,. We shall rule all of Hyrule and all lands west of the bowling alley...  
  
Uriko: Well, that's about all the time we have today!  
  
Shippo: Hey, what happened to the M man?  
  
Uriko: Oh, he had an "accident".  
  
-Niagra Falls  
  
Maverick: (Is in a barrel going down the falls) I'LL GET YOU URIKO!!!!!  
  
Uriko: So, bye everybody, and don't forget to rebel against authoritah! 


	6. The Art of Sage Hazing

Hello everybody! Once again we shall begin another chapter with... (Screen suddenly goes blank and fades in on Uriko and Shippo)  
  
Uriko: Hello America! Me and my lackey Shippo are really tired of this guy's rambling! Right Shippo?  
  
Shippo: Eh?  
  
Uriko: Right! So we are going to put a stop to his rambling by seeking vengeance on the land of Hyrule! We shall do something that has never been done! We shall FLOOD HYRULE!!! HAHAHAHA!!! Shippo! Activate the wacky weasel!  
  
Shippo: Okay! (Turns on a novelty sprinkler)  
  
Uriko: Say good bye to your precious land and hello to Chaos!!! HAHAHA!!!  
  
Audience Member #1: Uh that's already been done!  
  
Uriko: What?  
  
Audience Member #1: They did that in Wind Waker remember?  
  
Uriko: O.o Uh, we're gonna go do the thing! (The two leave with the sprinkler still going)  
  
(Back to Maverick)  
  
And it was at that point I realized the cop wasn't a prostitute and killed myself. Well off you go, I guess!  
  
-Hyrule Castle  
  
(Link T, Ruto, Saria, Navi, Malon, and Impa are waiting in the courtyard outside a door that says "Orientation Room")  
  
Link T: Man, they've been in there for three hours! How long does it take to explain a simple fact like, "You've been sent back in time five hundred years"? Man, first the fangirl incident and now this!  
  
Saria: Hey, at least you can get high if you want!  
  
Ruto: Relax Link. Don't think about them. Just relax. Lose yourself in the velour.  
  
Link T: There's no velour.  
  
Ruto: Uh, right. (Is sent death glare from Malon and Saria) Hey it was worth a shot. (Death glares intensify) I'm gonna run now.  
  
Link: Come on, time travel's not that big a shock. I mean I took it pretty well!  
  
-About one parallel year ago  
  
Link T: (Realizing he's been sent seven years in the future) AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! (Faints)  
  
Rauru: What should we do?  
  
Navi: What else? Loot!  
  
-Now  
  
Navi: No, you screamed like a little girly man and then we stole your wallet!  
  
Link: So that's why that cop arrested me!   
  
Malon: (For no apparent reason, stops chasing Ruto with a hammer) Hey shouldn't you three be at your temples?  
  
Saria: I dunno?  
  
Impa: I suppose.  
  
Ruto: Whatever.  
  
Malon: Now I remember how Ganondorf got out.  
  
-Orientation Room  
  
(Zelda and Tetra are desperately trying to explain the concept of time travel to the mentally retarded Link W, Medli, and Makar)  
  
Zelda: (Has drawn a large, mathematical problem on a chalk board explaining the use of time travel and the four dimension) And by that process we can see that time travel, is not only possible but the only reason we have poodles! Now do you understand?  
  
Makar: (Raises hand)  
  
Zelda: Yes, leaf head!  
  
Makar: Poodles suck!  
  
Link W: Yeah!  
  
Zelda: Are they always this dense.  
  
Tetra: Well, I always thought Makar was smarter but...   
  
Makar: (Is sticking crayons in his nose and ears) Fourteen! Fifteen!  
  
Tetra: Yes. Yes they have.  
  
Zelda: I give up! You try explaining!  
  
Tetra: Okay, when the magic light hit Ganon, Link, and me, the blast transported us into the past five hundred years, to the last time Ganon reeked havoc on Hyrule. Then, it teleported us to the exact place where are past selves were, which is how we got split up, somehow when the light hit Link's sword it sent a signal to the sages powering up the master sword, sending them to the past versions of themselves which is why you guys are here! So now we're trapped five hundred years in the past, with two Ganon's and I still don't have the Triforce! Okay. Do you understand?  
  
Link W, Medli, & Makar: ???  
  
Tetra: -__- We got hit by a flying Delorian!  
  
Link W: O.o!!! Oh my gosh! We've traveled back in time! Eh? Eh? AHHHHH!!!!  
  
Medli: AHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Makar: Meep!  
  
(All three faint)  
  
Tetra: That ain't good.  
  
Deku Link: (Walks by eating a hotdog) Nope. Hotdog?  
  
(They are now outside as Ruto and Link T try to wake up Medli and Link W)  
  
Link T: (Slapping Link W) Wake up! Wake up! Wake up damn you!!!  
  
Navi: That ain't gonna work Link!  
  
Link T: It always worked on me!  
  
Ruto: Man, these guys must have brains made of... some really hard stuff. Linkie? Could you help wake up the conked bird girl?  
  
Tetra: Hey Ruto! Look! It's an available Link!  
  
Ruto: Where? I wanna see!  
  
Tetra: (Steals Zora Sapphire) Sorry. Must have been a fanfic.  
  
Impa: (Looking at the not conked out Makar) How come you aren't fainting?  
  
Makar: As a mighty forest sprite, my mind is far evolved to that of your human minds!  
  
Saria: Right on! (High fives Makar)  
  
Link T: Hey I know what to do! (Takes the Master Sword)  
  
Zelda: Link!!! What the hell are you doing!?  
  
Malon: Put down the butter knife man!  
  
Link T: (Stabs Medli and Link W, which promptly wakes us up)  
  
Link W: Ow! Thanks man!  
  
Medli: Well I'm alive but why?  
  
Saria: Blame Shigeru Miyamoto.  
  
Maverick: Stop stealing jokes! Do you realize how much Maverick 1812 has to pay, whenever you steal a joke!  
  
Link T: Well now what do we do?  
  
Impa: Well, since Mini Geebola and the Coke-Rock here are sages, we gotta take um to Rauru. It's the right thing to do.  
  
Saria, Ruto, and Zelda: O.o  
  
Impa: What? Am I the only one who has sense of responsibility?  
  
All: Yes.  
  
Impa: = Well, I'm older and have dirt on you all so I win.  
  
All Sages: Awwwww.  
  
Impa: Come on guys, let's go!  
  
Link W: Well what do we do?  
  
Impa: I don't know! What do you usually do?  
  
Links: Get high.  
  
Impa: Then do that.  
  
Tetra: Well, see you guys later, I have a Triforce to steal!  
  
Zelda: Nice try Tetra, you're a sage too.  
  
Tetra: What? No! I was tricked!  
  
Saria: Uh... you don't really need me, soooo I'm just gonna go get high with the others, bye!  
  
Impa: Nice try Saria.  
  
Saria: It was, wasn't it?  
  
-Minutes Later  
  
(The sages are carrying Tetra and Saria on a pole)  
  
Saria: NOOO! Must get weed!  
  
Tetra: Triforce. So close.  
  
Makar: (To Medli) Are you sure we can't take a quick weed break?  
  
Medli: I wouldn't try it Makar, these guys are f*cking crazy.  
  
Makar: So are you.  
  
Medli: Well yeah, but I don't tie people up.  
  
Makar: Yes you do!  
  
Medli: Now let's not point fingers.  
  
Deku Link: (trying to catch up to sages) Hey! Guys! Wait up!  
  
Ruto: Oh it's that pip-squeak Deku Link!  
  
Impa: What do you what Deku Link?  
  
Deku Link: Can I be a sage too?  
  
Impa: Forget, we don't let Deku Scrubs into the sages.  
  
Deku Link: But what I lack in magic, I make up for in... (Is suddenly kicked away by Impa) OBNOXIOUSNESS!!!!  
  
Saria: You know, he could have taken my place.  
  
-Back with the Links and all other non-sages  
  
Deku Link: Well now what do I do?  
  
Link T: Beats me. But the rest of us are gonna go get high and watch that movie about getting high! Wanna come!  
  
Deku Link: Well you guys can sit around and get wasted, or you can come with me, and start the revolution! Who's with me? (Everyone but Malon has left) Oh well come on Malon it's up to us!  
  
Malon: No I'm cool.  
  
Deku Link: I'll give you gold!  
  
Malon: Weeellll.... Okay, but only since being a tool is all I know.  
  
Deku Link: Excellent!  
  
-Temple of Time  
  
(Rauru is watching TV while Nabooru and Darunia are talking)  
  
Darunia: Okay Nabooru, I'm thinking of a word, and it's definitely not kitty, what is it?  
  
Nabooru: I don't know, is it kitty?  
  
Darunia: (Hysterical) AHHH! GET OUT OF MY HEAD!!!!   
  
Rauru: Would you guys be quiet? I'm trying to watch this new sci-fi show before the network cancels it!  
  
TV: We now return you to Will and Grace.  
  
Nabooru & Darunia: O.o  
  
Rauru: Uh.... I'll have you know that Will and Grace is very scientific. Besides it's not like I watch Saturday morning cartoons.  
  
Zelda: (Walks in) Hey Rauru! Watching Digimon again?  
  
Rauru: I hate you all so much.  
  
Saria: At least you don't have that little voice in your brain telling you to smoke weed.  
  
Zelda: How did you break out of your ropes?  
  
Saria: You'd be amazing what some people would do for weed. Link told me about this one crazy kid who killed twenty Elvis impersonators for some weed.  
  
Rauru: Ganon?  
  
Saria: No, he used a mask.  
  
Rauru: Quite.  
  
Saria: Indeed.  
  
Rauru: So what the hell are you guys doing here, you guys never visit, baring that time we tried to take over Canada.  
  
Ruto: Who hasn't tried that?  
  
Rauru: So why are you here?  
  
Zelda: We've got problems.  
  
Rauru: Well what's your first problem?  
  
Saria: There are two Ganon's on the loose in Hyrule.  
  
Rauru: Well, don't worry about that, I'm sure it'll be all right. Now what's the other problem.  
  
(Tetra, Medli, and Makar walk in)  
  
Rauru: Oh no! Oh dear goddess no!  
  
-Minutes Later  
  
Rauru: Okay, explain it to me again.  
  
Medli: We are the reincarnations of Zelda, Ruto, and Saria.  
  
Rauru: (Drinks an entire bottle of beer) Okay, now explain it to me again.  
  
Makar: (To Saria) Dude, what the hell is wrong with this guy.  
  
Saria: Well, we had to spend about a month together in this place, so he hates us all with a fiery vengeance.  
  
Makar, Medli, and Tetra: Ohhh.  
  
Rauru: Sh*t, oh sweet mother of...  
  
(Due to the foul nature of Rauru's brain equation, we now bring you, Puppies from Around the World!)  
  
Uriko: Uh, we lost the puppies.  
  
(O.o Fine, I'll just beep the profanities)  
  
Rauru: Beep Beep Beep BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP Okay, I can get through this without losing my sanity. That's a road I don't wanna go down again. First I gotta make sure they aren't just f*cking with me Okay, so you really are sages?  
  
Tetra: Yes.  
  
Rauru: BLAST! Very well. However, we will need proof that you are indeed sages.  
  
Makar: What, the seals weren't enough proof?  
  
Rauru: Those things could have been forged.   
  
Medli: They're radiating energy and radon, and that's not enough proof?   
  
Rauru: No. (Looking at Makar's) Look, this one was chewed! Explain that.  
  
Makar: Oh, that was me. I thought it was chocolate.  
  
Rauru: Oh! I've been down that road too my friend. (Holds up chewed light sage seal) Still we need to do a background check. Nabooru!  
  
Nabooru: (Puts on glasses and takes out a bunch of paperwork) Okay, are you now, or have you ever been captured and or tortured by evil, most preferably Ganon?  
  
Tetra: Well, I was captured by the fat one himself, Makar here was held hostage in a hellish forest jail, and Medli here is a congressman!  
  
Nabooru: Really? Okay I'll need proof of this.  
  
Makar: Do horrible scars count?  
  
Nabooru: Yes, if they are in the shape of a lightning bolt.  
  
Makar: Okay I'm covered.  
  
Tetra: Do resonating Triforce count?  
  
Nabooru: Uh, yes?  
  
Tetra: Okay! I just need something to make it resonate. I know! 42! (Golden Triforce appears on hand) There we go!  
  
Nabooru: What about bird girl?  
  
Medli: My card! (Gives her card which says "Medli, Hippie/Rito/Mailman/Attendant to Valoo/Congressman/Lawyer! I sue EVIL!")  
  
Nabooru: Okay, they're cleared.  
  
Rauru: Excellent, we may now begin the test!  
  
Tetra: The evil hostage thing wasn't the test?  
  
Rauru: No.  
  
Medli: You mean I helped pass the law to make wizrobes into toucans for nothing!?  
  
Rauru: Yes. Now to become a sage you must complete the trial of the sages. All sages must pass this test or you shall be sentenced to the realm of eternal screaming and restlessness! All attempts to weasel your way out shall be severely frowned upon. Let the tests begin!  
  
-Link's House  
  
(The Links and Navi are once again getting high off the blue stuff they made last chapter)   
  
Link T: Man this stuff is great!  
  
Link W: Yeah, who knew the secret ingredient was shoe leather?  
  
All: O.o... (Begins laughing crazily again)  
  
(Once again, they're just getting high)  
  
-Temple of Time (Again)  
  
(Medli, Makar, and Tetra are all wearing blindfolds and standing on the steps of the temple)  
  
Rauru: We are standing on the top of Hyrule Castle. To become a sage you must jump from the top and stay alive.  
  
Tetra: This isn't going to be pretty.  
  
Medli: Relax Tetra.  
  
Tetra: Easy for you to say! You have wings!  
  
Medli: I can't be held responsible for the things the goddesses gave me!  
  
Tetra: You got them from a dragon!  
  
Medli: Well, yeah.  
  
Rauru: Less talking more walking! (The three jump off and onto the ground causing everyone to laugh)  
  
Saria: Oh, I never get tired of that one.  
  
Impa: Hey, where's bird girl?  
  
Medli: (Flying away) If I stop flapping I'll die, but it still beats commercial air!  
  
-Later  
  
Nabooru: Now, this is one of the most important parts of the test. We'll need to take a drug test!  
  
Tetra: What?  
  
Rauru: We need to make sure if you're high on dope. Sages aren't allowed to be high!  
  
Saria: A mistake the sage council shall dearly regret!  
  
Makar: (Gulp)  
  
Medli: (Gulp)  
  
Tetra: I wonder where they keep the Triforce?  
  
-Minutes Later  
  
Nabooru: Okay, you're all checked, accept Tetra. You tested positive for crack!  
  
Saria: (Gasps) Tetra! How could you! (Lights up a bong which is quickly snatched away by Impa) :(  
  
Tetra: That doesn't seem right.  
  
-More Minutes Later  
  
Nabooru: Okay, the new results are fine. Sorry for the mix up.  
  
Tetra: That's okay, ten million dollars should cover the expenses.  
  
Nabooru: What?  
  
Tetra: Nothing.  
  
-Very, Very Later  
  
Nabooru: Okay, you've past the leap of faith, the joystick of knowledge, and the moose of doom!  
  
Makar: Hallelujah!  
  
Nabooru: Just one more test!  
  
(A two doors appear, a white one, and a black one saying "The Maze of Death")  
  
  
  
Nabooru: Taking your door of choosing, you must make your way to Rauru's liquor stash and bring us some booze.  
  
Darunia: And be quick about it!  
  
(The three think about which door to take)  
  
Makar: I think we should take the maze!  
  
Tetra: The maze of death?  
  
Medli: Why don't we just take the other one?  
  
Makar: The other one could be anything! I say we go with that maze thing!  
  
Tetra: The maze of death.  
  
Makar: Exactly!  
  
- Minutes Later  
  
Tetra, Makar, and Medli: (Come running out of the maze of doom carrying wine and stuff) AHHHHHHHH!!!!  
  
Makar: Oh that was horrible!  
  
Medli: I thought the Iron Knuckles had us for sure!  
  
Tetra: And that Sheik/Kaffie buddy cop fic!  
  
All: (Shudder)  
  
Darunia: Congratulations, you'll!  
  
Medli: We're finally sages?  
  
Darunia: No, you've helped me get blasted! Goodnight!  
  
All: O.o  
  
-So Much Later That the Old Narrator Got Bored and They Had to Hire a New One  
  
(They are now at a very tiny graduation ceremony with no one in the audience except the sages)  
  
Rauru: Ladies and Gentlemen, er Makar and Darunia. We are gathered here today to initiate a group of weirdoes who have barged their way into our sacred temple! Have you all signed the sacred document?  
  
Medli: Uh, we're a little confused. What exactly is this?  
  
Rauru: Oh, it's just legal mumbo jumbo and that stuff.  
  
Makar: Looks more like a legal waver.  
  
Medli: Well, this explains why we're here, eh Makar?  
  
Rauru: Look just sign it! (They promptly do) Congratulations, you are now all sages!   
  
(They promptly throw their musical instruments into the air)  
  
-The Next House Over  
  
Moblin Leader: Congratulations, you are now all Ganon's moblin soldiers!  
  
Moblins: (Throw skull necklaces in air)  
  
-The Next House Over  
  
Guy Dressed as the King: Congratulations, you are all Imprisoning War recreationists!  
  
Soldier Actors: (Throw swords in the air) Uh oh!  
  
-Temple of Time  
  
Rauru: Excellent. Now that you are sages, let us begin our age-old quest to prevent the oncoming evil and hold sacred the principles of the sage council. NOW LET'S ALL GET DRUNK AND PLAY PING-PONG! (A switch is flipped, turning the black and white room into a strobe light wonderland of doom!)  
  
Sages: YEAH!!  
  
Medli, Makar, and Tetra: O.o (Shrug) YEAH!!!  
  
-Link's House  
  
(After a long "getting high" session, the two are now slightly less high and talking about concerning issues in Hyrule)  
  
Link W: Yeah that there Dave Chappelle is funny but he needs to know when to stop making fun of pot head. (Fine, they're talking about famous potheads. SHUT UP!) Besides, we all know we can steal some rupees from the guy who lives above Orca, take a boat down to Forest Haven, and talk to a Mexican Korok named Hollo. And we know Hollo's stuff is the bomb! Hey what's this lever?  
  
Navi: I believe they call that a doggy!  
  
Link T: Uh, Navi, getting high time is over.  
  
Link W: So, larger me, what's this lever?  
  
Link T: Hell if I know. I haven't been in this room in five years.  
  
Navi: PULL IT!! (Pulls lever)  
  
Link T: Sometimes I wish Navi drank ever day.  
  
(Suddenly a secret passage opens in the floorboards)  
  
Link W: That's interesting.  
  
Link T: Damn these Kokiri! They can't go ten minutes with out redecorating! (The three go down to find the worlds largest supply of weed, bongs, and pipes) What the?  
  
Link W: (Sees a sign that says Deku Link's keep out) Wow, Deku Link's secret stash!  
  
Link T: I've heard about this. Deku Link once found a pot loving Gohma, and killed him! Then, he took his stash! See this pipe? They say he carved it himself, from a bong.  
  
Link W: Wow! They've got every weed imaginable! Even this Billy Weed from the seventies!  
  
Link T: Hey, I know what we should do! We can take this weed, and sell it to the gullible Kokiri out side! Then we can by all the weed in the world!  
  
Link W: COOL! Wait, won't your Deku friend be mad?  
  
Link T: Relax, he won't be back for hours! He's still busy with Malon!  
  
Link W: Do you even know what he's doing?  
  
Link T: I'm sure it's something incriminating that'll keep him busy.  
  
-Somewhere in Hyrule Fields!  
  
Deku Link: (Is standing with Malon, in front of a large group of Deku Scrubs) My fellow Deku Scrubs, we have been denied for the last time! We shall not survive under the rule of the sage council no more!  
  
Deku Scrub#21: (Taking to another Deku Scrub) Who's that guy up there?  
  
Deku Scrub#13: Who cares! He's got a mega phone!  
  
Deku Link: Let us rain destruction upon our enemies and bring chaos to them! Malon, the horses!  
  
Malon: Uh, did you want them now?  
  
Deku Link: Yes, now.  
  
Malon: Okay, we got a problem.  
  
Deku Link: = Fine I'll get them. You continue to whip the crowd into a frenzy.  
  
Malon: ....Uh, what's up! I am Malon and I am a massive tool! This week I am Deku Link's new lackey, and next week you catch me as the new sales representative for the Happy Mask Man.  
  
-Temple of Time  
  
(All of the sages our now parting and such, proving my most prominent theory of Hylian legends which states that sages do absolutely nothing)  
  
Tetra: Wait, so this is all a sage does?  
  
Rauru: Sure! What did you think we did?  
  
Tetra: I don't know. Sage stuff?  
  
Makar: See! I told you I was right! Didn't I tell ya! PARTY!!!  
  
Medli: You sages are one f*cked up bunch of people you know that?   
  
Darunia: (Dancing crazily) Oh relax love! We're rockin' great!  
  
Medli: Hey look! A giant rock in the middle of the ocean!  
  
Darunia: Where?! It's mine!  
  
Medli: See I told ya these rock eaters are gullible. (Doorbell rings)  
  
Makar: That must be the pizza I ordered. (Opens door to see a group of angry Deku scrubs) Saria! It's one of your friends!  
  
Saria: (Goes over to the door to see the Dekus) No that, is a Deku Scrub.  
  
Makar: What's a Deku Scrub? (Is suddenly hit by a bunch of Deku Scrubs) Ow!  
  
Saria: That is a Deku Scrub, actually that is a Deku Scrub's Nut. Deku Nut.  
  
Impa: What the heck are Deku Scrubs doing here?  
  
Darunia: Do they dance?  
  
Impa: Well, come on let's go shoo um away!  
  
Sages: (Stare blankly)  
  
Impa: I'm surrounded by weirdoes. (Opens door) Look ya little... (Sees the legions of Deku's) Oh snap. (Is suddenly dragged away by the wood sprites and the door closes)  
  
Zelda: Hey, those guys kidnapped Impa.  
  
Sages: ...YEAH!!!  
  
(Suddenly the Deku Scrubs break down the door and attack the sages)  
  
Rauru: Uh oh.  
  
Medli: Quick! Everybody, stand still!  
  
(They all do that)  
  
Darunia: What do we do next?  
  
Medli: (Has already run down to the lower levels of the Temple)  
  
Rauru: EVERYBODY RUN! (They all do that)  
  
Zelda: Hey, aren't you coming?  
  
Rauru: No, I will fight.  
  
Zelda: Whatever. (Runs with the rest of the sages)  
  
Rauru: (Gets into fighting stance) It's them you want! They're trying to reverse your polarities!  
  
Deku Scrubs: O.o (Run by Rauru)  
  
Rauru: It's good to be the fat coward!  
  
(And so the remaining eight sages run for their no good nick lives)  
  
Ruto: (Trips over a loose brick) Curse this building's crappy workmanship!  
  
Saria: No! Ruto! We've gotta go back for her!  
  
Medli: No! She's dead to us!  
  
Makar: She's not dead! She's right there!  
  
Medli: No she's dead! Come on!  
  
(The sages run into a room in the basement of time)  
  
All: AHHHH!  
  
Zelda: (Closes door) Darunia! Barricade the door!  
  
Darunia: (Destroys the door) Done.  
  
Tetra: You stupid as well as large idiot! She said barricade, not destroy!  
  
Darinia: Oh Barricade! I thought you said bust down this door and I'll give you a cookie.  
  
Tetra: Oh I'm gonna die and I never got the Triforce.  
  
Zelda: Tetra, its time we told you something. The Triforce was already stolen by Ganondorf seven years ago. We've been using you to garner power It's easier than deception and chocolate.  
  
Tetra: O.o Well, that explains why all I found was his shiny tooth pick. (Holds up the master sword)  
  
All: O.o  
  
Tetra: What?  
  
-Link's House  
  
(In the secret room, the Links have become drug dealers and have made enough money to fill a kiddy pool full of pie. You heard me)  
  
Link W: Man, we're Rollin' in da pie!  
  
Navi: You mean money.  
  
Link W: Eh, whatever floats your boat.  
  
Link T: (Is at register, talking to a Kokiri) Welcome to Stoner's Pot Palace! How may I pot you?  
  
Kokiri#1: Yeah, I'm throwing a costume/weed smoking party and I need a Master Sword shaped bong.  
  
Link T: Uh, we don't have one of those at the moment.  
  
Kokiri#1: I'm exceedingly wealthy.  
  
Link T: (Grabs the Master Sword) Would ya like it gift-wrapped?  
  
Link W: Link, did you just give that Kokiri the Master Sword? That is a very important sword and... (Link T gives him a thousand dollars which he got from the Kokiri) Wow a thousand-dollar bill! Carry on.  
  
(Suddenly for no reason at all, a bunch of Hyrule Guards break in)  
  
Hylian Guard: Random weed bust! Everybody down!  
  
Link T: Hey, since when did Hyrule have a random weed bust?  
  
Hylian Guard: The king instigated a weed busting bill after he had a hallucination of two princess Zelda's and went crazy in Accupoco.  
  
Link W: Damn you big red!  
  
Hyrulian Guard: Are you two the owners of this dubie farm?  
  
Link W: No sir, we're just borrowing and extorting it without permission or intent of repayment.  
  
Link T: What he said!  
  
Hylian Guard: Well, whoever does own this place is in more trouble than Shigeru Miyamoto at a Celda hating party.  
  
Links: O.o  
  
Hylian Guard: You heard me! Come on let's go men! (The soldiers leave)  
  
Link T: Well, that's the end of our drug scam, eh Link.  
  
Link W: People hate Celda?  
  
-Temple of Time  
  
(The remaining (Counting on fingers) eh screw it, the remaining sages are enjoying their last moments of life through subtle reflection)  
  
Darunia: Hey guys, I just realized! We're all gonna die!  
  
Nabooru: Could we sacrifice him to the Deku's first? I think his stupid waves are infecting us.  
  
Medli: Good question!  
  
Zelda: That's it!  
  
Nabooru: Really we can?  
  
Zelda: NO! We'll beat the Deku's with stupidity! (Reaches into inter-dimensional pocket and pulls out Kirby)  
  
Kirby: No... more... pie.  
  
Makar: We're going to throw a pink blob at um?  
  
Medli: Yes throw the monster! It was my idea!  
  
Zelda: No, it's inside the monster. (Starts shaking Kirby, causing chair, sink, and computer to fall out of the pink monster)  
  
Saria: That boys got a big appetite.  
  
Zelda: Here it is! (Holds up a shinny cake)  
  
Makar: AHHH! TOO... SHINEY!! (Keels over with shininess)  
  
Darunia: Cake! Must eat!  
  
Nabooru: Aren't you like one of those creatures from the Never-ending story that only eats rocks?  
  
Darunia: Am I?  
  
Medli: Hey Darunia, There's a big juicy rock in the middle of lake Hylia! Why don't you go swim out and get it?  
  
Darunia: OH BOY!!! (Walks away but crashes into wall)  
  
Medli: =) Some times I'm surprised my people didn't enslave his people.  
  
Zelda: Hey, I was talking! Anyway, this is the most powerful weapon in my inventory! Stupid Cake!  
  
Saria: Stupid Cake?  
  
Zelda: Yes, my horrible attempt at baking gone wrong! Once ingested, this pastry will make anything retarded for a matter of hours!  
  
Makar: That's... (Counting) almost enough time!  
  
All: o____o  
  
Makar: What?  
  
Medli: I say we enslave his race next!  
  
Saria: (Slaps Medli)  
  
Medli: What? (Is slapped again) I'll shut up.  
  
Tetra: So, how does it work?  
  
Zelda: Oh that's the easy part. I made it out of six parts saki, eight parts saki, and saki to taste!  
  
Saria: Then how does it stay solid?  
  
Zelda: It is the mystery of the cake.  
  
Tetra: Oh yeah. My grandmother spoke of a magic pastry that could intoxicate people! It's how she became a pirate captain.  
  
Nabooru: What'd you do with the original captain.  
  
Tetra: Same thing we do to all the other leaders whose power we usurp. We left him on an island somewhere. Wonder whatever happened to him.  
  
-A Couple Hundred Years From Now on an Island  
  
Jack Sparrow: (Drunkenly singing)  
  
-Temple of Time  
  
Zelda: Anyway, we can use it to stupefy the Deku's and escape to freedom!  
  
Nabooru: There's not enough cake!  
  
Zelda: How about we stupefy the biggest Deku and help me escape?  
  
Makar: Time! Time is what we need but time we ain't got!  
  
Saria: Wait! I know what to do! Gimme the cake!  
  
Zelda: No! It's mine!  
  
Saria: Just give it! (Grabs cake somehow, and eats it all in one bite)  
  
Medli: Wow! I thought only Kirby could do that.  
  
Kirby: I supposed only I could.  
  
Saria: (Takes out Ocarina) You, leaf head! Play the Ocarina!  
  
Makar: Why?  
  
Saria: Just do it!  
  
Makar: (Plays the Ocarina, transmitting Saria's brain waves which are being stupefied by the cake)  
  
Saria: (Grabs the Ocarina and faces the approaching Deku Scourge) See you in that place where forest sprites go when they die, wood men!!!! (Throws the Ocarina in slow motion and then faints. As the Ocarina hits the Dekus, they begin to fight over it, until...)  
  
DUMB!!!!  
  
(Suddenly all the Dekus are wasted)  
  
Makar: Hey look! All the Deku's are wasted!  
  
Medli: Well duh, we aren't blind.  
  
Darunia: I am in my right eye sort of. But I don't need that eye anyway. Hey look! Wine! (Crashes into wall)  
  
Medli: =)  
  
Deku Link: (Walks in with Malon) NOOOOO! My minions of Chaos!  
  
Makar: Deku Link!? You're behind this?  
  
Deku Link: Well duh! I am the only competent Deku in Hyrule.  
  
Zelda: Why'd ya do it Deku Link?  
  
Deku Link: Would you believe, I have a problem with authority?  
  
All: ...  
  
Deku Link: Fine! It's because I wanted to be a sage!   
  
Zelda: Uh, Deku? To become a sage, all you have to do is be imprisoned by evil.  
  
Deku Link: O.o! Oh I know! I was imprisoned by an evil skull kid once! I go get my album! (Runs off)  
  
Tetra: Well, how did he enlist you as a part of him scam Malon?  
  
Malon: It's easy. I'm a puppet!  
  
Tetra: Oh right! It's all coming back to me now.  
  
Rauru: (Walks in with Ruto and Impa who are tied to chairs) Well it looks like everyone's okay.  
  
Makar: Well yeah except Saria.  
  
Rauru: Truly a great sacrifice was made. Let us never forget Saria.  
  
Darunia: Uh, she ain't dead B. She's just drunk.  
  
Zelda: Extremely drunk!  
  
Rauru: Well, I gotta do the eulogy for someone. Otherwise I'm useless! (Looks at Makar) You! You must die!  
  
Makar: Epp!  
  
Rauru: Anyone who gets that Leaf Head is an honorary sage!  
  
Malon: (Catches Makar) Got him.  
  
Rauru: Excellent work! You're now the honorary Ranch Sage.  
  
Malon: Alright! Deliciousness!  
  
Deku#23: Hey! Can I be a sage too!  
  
Rauru: You got it! As a matter a fact, I'm making everyone in this room and honorary sage!  
  
All: Hooray!  
  
Tetra: Well, this explains the Deku Sage council of 2136.  
  
Deku Link: (Runs in) Did you just say...?  
  
Rauru: Too late hot plate.  
  
Deku Link: Oh crap!  
  
-Much Later  
  
(All of the Dekus and Malon now have little sage seals and Deku Link is now standing in front of the sage council (Minus Saria whose still drunk))  
  
Rauru: Okay DL, we got your resume and we are proud to make you the sage of... (Pulls a slip of paper out of a large bowl labeled "Emergency Sage Titles) Maximum Occupancy.  
  
Deku Link: Finally! This calls for a victory bong!  
  
Ruto: Deku Link sages aren't allowed to smoke, or marry, or have a life, or any of that other stuff Link enjoys the privilege of.  
  
Darunia: It's kinda like being Knuckles, except you don't get to hang out with a talking crocodile.  
  
Deku Link: Uh oh. You're not gonna like...  
  
(Suddenly a bunch of knights charge the back door)  
  
Hylian Knight: Deku Link, you're under arrest for weed hoarding.  
  
Deku Link: O.o Oh snap.  
  
(The Links walk in)  
  
Link T: DEKU LINK! You gotta hide! The cops are... (Sees knights) Nevermind.  
  
-A whole lot later  
  
(The Links are trying to wake up Saria)  
  
Link T: Why do I always have to wake up people. It's so boring. Okay Link, let's do this thang.  
  
Link W: (Slices Saria a couple times) They're finally paying me for this!  
  
Saria: (Regenerates and gasps) Damn that stings! What the hell is that sword made of, the Triforce.   
  
Tetra: Oh if only it was that easy. Ganon would easily kill himself, and then we could send in the video and make ten million dollars.  
  
Links: O.o  
  
Saria: So, what I miss.  
  
Link T: Well, Deku became a sage and then was arrested for pot hoarding.  
  
Saria: See! I told him this would happen! This is one of the reasons I told him that's what happens when you hoard weed! He is so irresponsible!  
  
Link T: Hmmm. You miss pot that much eh?  
  
Saria: (Disappointedly) Yes.  
  
Navi: Hey Link, is he gonna be alright?  
  
Tetra: Relax, I set up the case with the world's best and worst lawyer!  
  
Link W: You did send them to the right cases right?  
  
Tetra: What?  
  
Link W: Well, you sent Deku the best, and the other guy the worst right?  
  
Tetra: Well...  
  
-Court  
  
Zelda: Ladies and Gentlemen of the jury, I intend to prove that Deku Link is a drug hoarder! I also intend to prove the existence of non-dairy creamers and aliens but that's on a different topic.  
  
Judge: Okay. Does the defendant's lawyer wish to state any opening notes. (Deku Link's lawyer is non other than Randal!!!)  
  
Randal: Yes I would your honor. I would like to say that neither me or my client respect this court's authority!  
  
-Temple of Time  
  
Tetra: Eh, I'm sure it'll all work out fine.  
  
Saria: So... what happened to the weed?  
  
Link T: Well, the Knights didn't know what to do with it so, they sent it to the next highest authority.  
  
Saria: What's the next highest authority?  
  
All: The sages.  
  
Saria: Oh yeah.  
  
Link W: Yeah, they'll find something to do with it. (Malon, Makar, and Medli walk in carrying a bunch of Deku Sticks) Hey guys! What's up with the sticks? Are we gonna start building the dam, for the inevitable flooding of Hyrule?  
  
Malon, Link, and Saria: O.o  
  
Link W: Uh, I meant build Deku Link a friend?  
  
Malon: No, we shouldn't toy with his emotions, it will only lead him to find an life as an airline steward.  
  
Medli: Rauru wanted us to get him these sticks to burn the weed with.  
  
Link T: Oh.  
  
(A few seconds pass)  
  
Link W: So you guys doing anything tonight?  
  
Medli: Nah.  
  
Malon: I was gonna teach the horses to run around in circles aimlessly and spell out my name.  
  
Tetra: Eh, you know. Make ten-million dollars.  
  
Navi: Plot to kill Link.  
  
Link T: What?  
  
Navi: Nothing.  
  
(A few more minutes pass)  
  
Link W: So you guys wanna go see a movie?  
  
Malon: Yeah okay.  
  
Tetra: I'm game.  
  
-Movie Theater  
  
(An hour into the movie)  
  
All: BURN THE WEED?!?!?!  
  
Guy in the theater: Hey! You're ruining the movie!  
  
-Temple of Time  
  
(They all walk in to see the sages getting high)  
  
Rauru: Woah! My hand is huge! It can touch anything, but itself.  
  
Darunia: (Crashes into wall) :) (Crashes into wall) :) (Crashes into wall) :) More steak please.  
  
Impa: (Playing a guitar) Come on people now! Smile on your brother everybody come together! Come and love one another!  
  
Ruto: (Is meditating in front of a Link statue)  
  
Medli: Wow, you'd think as a hippie, I'd find this more appealing but I don't.  
  
Saria: Look at them all, getting high, doing insane things, making shrinky dinks! They're living my dream, and you won't let me join them!  
  
Tetra: We need to have as many sane people as we can!  
  
Links: (Are already high)  
  
Tetra: Oy. Well have we learned anything today guys?  
  
Malon: I learned that weed is an evil drug and we should all switch to milk as our main drug!  
  
Tetra: Milk isn't a drug.  
  
Malon: Then why would the aliens want it?  
  
Medli: Well, I learned that... (Ruto suddenly disappears in a flash of white light)   
  
Everyone including sages: O.o  
  
Medli: On second though, f*ck what I learned.  
  
-Wherever Ruto Went  
  
Ruto: Where am I?  
  
Some Girl: You have reached the final stage of Link worship. You have reached Link nirvana. I am Mary Sue, leader of the Link worshippers.  
  
Ruto: Neat. So what do I do now?  
  
Mary Sue: What everyone who comes here does, get the hell out, you're cramping my style.  
  
Maverick: . . Uh..... look a puppy! (Runs away)  
  
Shippo: (Looks at audience and starts dancing)  
  
R&R&R  
  
The extra R is for RRCFR (Really really crappy fic)  
  
Shippo: What's that extra R for?  
  
That's a typo. Now... Free sage seals for all!  
  
Deku Link: Oh son of a... 


End file.
